Lessons on Ditches in the Heart Mends Stitches

Satisfaction.

Defined as being content with a current situation.

Depression.

Defined as a state of low mood and aversion to activity.

Is it possible to be completely in the realm of both worlds at a specific time and place?

Can one situation be prone to existing at a satisfactory yet depressing level?

If it is not supposed to be then I guess I am just a girl who defies such rules.

For me, it is hard to imagine any romantic relationship that does not exist without both.

Granted all romantic relationships also give way to many happy thoughts and events

(or else they wouldn't be very romantic)

But that is not the particular part of the issue I wish to focus on.

As a sort of introduction to this, I will clarify that for one:

I do love my boyfriend, there is no doubt in my mind that I do.

Two:

My thoughts on situations are constantly changing. This is the way my brain feels currently and it is quite possible that I will not be taking the same stance tomorrow morning.

And three:

This is the blog of a mentally unstable creature. Best to keep that in mind.

Perhaps I am alone in saying this, but have you ever experienced utter and complete obsession, yet horrid aggravation in a relationship?

I suppose it is a bit hard to imagine but maybe the explanation of my reasoning will help a bit...or not.

My mind has a billion thoughts racing every second, on which most are based off of doubt.

Questions.

Endless questioning.

Will this last?

Am I really happy?

Why do I feel out of place?

Is there someone "better" out there for me?

Am I even sure of my sexuality?

What is this really leading to?

Disaster? Marriage? Kids? Divorce? Financial difficulties? Mental stability (hah!)? Satisfaction?

Any relationship is not simple, especially for me.

Because I am an extremely passive person.

I can put up with anyone's bullshit, and put it out of mind as if it never happened.

(an aggravating talent I can assure you)
And because of this, I can be practically anyone's angel.

In every relationship I have been in, the talk of marriage becomes a persistent subject in the poor lad's minds.

Meanwhile, I am sitting here managing the pros and cons in my head so tenaciously as if it were a matter of life and death.

I mean, you can be happy in a relationship, really adore this person, but how is anyone EVER sure of 

"the one"?

You can't be. It is impossible.

Anyone who thinks otherwise I view as a fool, mostly because they even comprehend such an idea as

"the one"

Perhaps this all stems from the fact that when it comes to other people, I just prefer to spend most of my time alone.

Even if I love someone. I need space, and lots of it.

Otherwise I feel that I am drowning in imaginary expectations.

I do not understand my brain.

How can someone be sure of everything without any doubt in their minds when it comes to a relationship

Because I do on some days!

In fact, so much that I feel like dropping down on one knee myself!

(absurd but a rather empowering idea)

And then the next day (or the day prior) feel like just walking out the door after whispering two simple words

"I'm done"

How can the temptation for both aspects be equally overwhelming?

Also.

I was told just recently to "listen to your heart and not your head" when it comes to my doubts.

But perhaps it was your head that convinced you this would be a good thing for you in the first place.

Perhaps my heart has no idea which position it wants to take in this argument.

I don't know. It is all so confusing.

At Times Like These

My anxiety tends to come out of nowhere

I could be sitting at home watching TV and all of a sudden.

Boom...drop...empty...

Only way I can describe the suddeness of the emotion.

It always resorts back to one thing now.

Memories of a really traumatizing time in my life.

Where a man's hand covered my mouth and I was pulled into the unknown.

It is as if I am living a constant nightmare

Being threatened everywhere I go by my own head.

I don't really know what triggers the attacks.

But one pattern is for sure.

Staying too long on the subject of sexuality.

Tis a subject that I thoroughly enjoy,

considering I am not exactly normal and have endless quirks that go along with that subject.

But it can never be thoroughly enjoyed anymore without some sort of fear welling up inside me.

Sometimes anxiety hits.

Sometimes it doesn't.

But this subject seems to be the one that triggers it the most.

Another thing that can be added to the pattern I have discovered tonight.

That it happens even more often when the subject of sexuality is mixed in with the subject of dissapointment.

The connections are obvious.

But it is not something that I want to happen all the time.

It gets in the way of so many things.

Like when your lover suggests something in the bedroom that you turn down and the dissapointment on their half.

Or something along the lines of that

(not saying that has happened but it is a good example)

Or the

"I guess this isn't happening?" scenario.

I don't know why but I feel as if I have become a failure, a letdown, a good for nothing but sex, yet not even good for that, type of girl; whenever the subjects mix.

I suppose I felt like a mistake, a huge disappointment the night I was carried into an unknown realm,

maybe that is the connection between the two.

I don't want other people to feel as if they are walking on eggshells around me though.

I want to get past this.

Handicapping me, I feel will only prolong the symptoms.

It is something I need to learn how to deal with.

I am finding more connections though...

That is a step forward.

Isn't it?

Biggest Pet Peeve Ever

So perhaps I am out of line here

Because this is a pet peeve for many people

But it irritates me so much that I literally just threw a glass vase across the room and broke it

I think this pet peeve of mine could literally get me to kill a person

Small Humiliations

See I told you I was crazy

Like...being proved wrong in an internet conversation

Or running out of a defending argument

Or not knowing who is saying what

Little things like that lead me to believe that no one is to be trusted

Or posts proving that I was wrong

Especially when it comes from people who do not mean to humiliate you but simply prove a point

I do not like points

It always makes me want to gauge the perpetrators eyes out

I am not normal, I know

I hate it

I hate it

I hate it

I fucking hate it

Falling Down Rabbit Holes and Other Nonsense

Today!

Today has been filled with many many thoughts. Some deceiving, some depressing and others are just along    the lines of relieving. But none the less, they are thoughts, filled with emotions and captured memories from    the past, the present, and the future remains an anxiety to be discovered.

Main focus of today is that of thoughts and visions a little less normal than my usual collection of antics.

For example.

I was driving home the other night at a not-so-late, yet not-so-early hour, whilst attempting to keep my sanity, For you see, there are some days where that is utterly and completely lost and I am barely able to grasp on    to the normal perceptions of this reality. In attempting to keep my sanity, things started changing.....               Appearing and morphing right before my very eyes. I nearly swerved off the freeway because I was looking     towards the empty road in front of me and realized that I was running over bats! Lots of fluttering bats!

It came as such a shock to me that so many bats, thousands of bats, would be lying in the middle of the road! After almost swerving from shock and my sworn physical feeling towards the crushing of bats underneath my     tires, I began to realize that the bats attempted to flutter away in the shape that my headlights made on the     dark road ahead of me. About a minute after this bizarre realization, I had another yet even more bizarre        realization. That the bats were never there. That the thousands of bats fluttering before my eyes was merely the result of my deceiving eyes playing ticks of me, because the bats were in fact, just the beams of my           headlights penetrating the lonely darkness in front of me.

About yet another minute after this bizarre realization, another even more bizarre realization occurred.     That this ladder of delusions and realizations should have taken at the very least five whole minutes. But the    fact of the matter is that when I checked the time in my cars bright blue stereo clock....that very minute had not changed! It was the same! I was in such tremors from the whole event that I needed to pull over to the          side of the road for a minute and think. 

"Was I possibly drugged? Well, thats silly I was with someone who dearly loves me!....could I be massively       sleep deprived?........well I have been getting less sleep than usual, but nothing to cause something so                     eventful! 7hours last night...."

I was in such a panic that I began to tear up, smearing the once lovely blue and black eyeliner I had put on so delicately... With less than a couple of miles of road ahead of me though, I decided to continue on my,               now eventful, journey home.

Am I losing it? Officially? All that family history finally getting to me?

Well anyhow. I shall write more later but at the moment I am having many flashbacks of a very dark and dreary time in my life.

These lyrics are best suited to that time. To my mind set at the moment.

Well. Off to class!

I want my innocence back
And if you can't give it to me
I will cut you down
And I will run you through
With the dagger you sharpened
On my body and soul
Before you slit me in two
And then devoured me whole 

I want my innocence back
I want my innocence back
I want my innocence back 

I want my innocence back
And if you can't pacify me
I will break your bones
You think I'm bluffing, just try me (just try me)
I will never forget the words you used to ensnare me
Till my dying day
You'll suffer for this, I swear (I swear) 

I want my innocence back
I want my innocence back
I want my innocence back
(I want my innocence back) 

And I demand
You put my heart back in my hand
And wipe it clean
From the mess you made of me
And I require
You make me free from this desire
And when you leave, I'd better be the innocent
I used to be

I want my innocence back!

Life is Fantastic....but

There is one HUGE aspect in my personality that bugs me to no end

My paranoia of all things

I get so paranoid about little things that I often times take too many pre-cautious measures in order to prevent them

Then because of that, just end up making things worse.

It is an inevitable pattern in my personality as I have witnessed.

My mind lingers on details too often,

and although this helps me in many situations where I have to think critically

It is not a thought process that should be in your head every second out of every day.

For example.

The now boyfriend figure and I, have been officially together for a little over two weeks

(although we have been "dating" since October)

And things are going wonderfully, as they should considering we are practically the same person.

But then the fears kicks in.

It kicks in every door in my mind and drops like a bowling bowl in my stomach.

Anxiety.

My bones hurt for no reason and I feel the need to curl up in a ball and cry

I am all of a sudden afraid that I will lose him

No evidence backing this presumption up, just afraid that I will inevitably...

Fuck things up.

That my mind is too complex, that I am too much trouble, and that anyone and everyone will eventually give up on me because they cannot take the psychotic tendencies.

Now.

A little note here.

This anxiety attack hit while I was working, and of course I cannot just curl up into a ball and cry, I need something to stabilize my emotions and I need it quickly.

In the past it has been a number of things that snapped me out of it and fast.

Drugs, bulimia, binge eating 20 dollars of vending machine food in 15 minutes, holding my breath and choking myself so that I slightly black out, throwing over desks, biting a person til they bled, picking physical fights to get into, banging my head against a wall, plucking out my eyelashes, biting an entire nail completely off, sewing my fingers together, the list just goes on and on, some of the things a little too personal even for a blog site.

The one thing that always had the quickest results with the best effects though has always been self mutilation.

And so, needing to head back to work in 5 minutes, I take a razor blade to my stomach, 

clean up the mess in the bathroom, 

and head back to work.

The anxiety putters out

I am no longer in physical pain

and I can go back on the work floor smiling asking "How may I help you today?"

Do you see what is wrong with this picture?

It is pure irony.

My mind drives itself to anxiety out of the fear that I am going to do something to mess up or complicate a perfect situation.

And then I get rid of the anxiety by doing something that does indeed have the possibility of messing up or complicating the perfect situation.

I sometimes feel like it is some sort of curse,

because I try to find healthy alternatives.

Have been trying since elementary school.

But nothing has worked

And I get myself back into this same old cycle

this old routine

that always messes things up eventually.

I really want things to be different this time.

And my boyfriend, is starting to give me the hope that it actually can be.

He wasn't mad.

Nor did he think I was an idiot, or impulsive or ignorant.

All he had in him was concern, and held me close and told me

That if this is really a part of me that I cannot change,

then he is ready and willing to accept that.

Who is ready and willing to accept a psycho?

I am slightly stuck between being relieved and being more concerned because I do not want to cause him any pain.

I want to stop this, because life is fantastic right now.

Everything I ever wanted and needed I have because I was willing to go after it.

I need to stop my brain from continously trying to compromise that.

Scared

Personally

I see relationships as messy, unnecessary, futile efforts to not feel alone in this world

In all honesty I think that everyone would be better off without that absolute need to want someone

We would learn so much more, be able to do so much more without someone else consuming our time

We would grow as completely independent people 

Instead of developing un-healthy co dependancy issues like I did.

I grew out of the relationship that destroyed me and am finally moving on.

I found myself happy by myself

I didnt mind the alone time, in fact I much preferred it

Because I was me, completely myself

My own person

I didnt belong to anyone

And I no longer saw a need to.

But you see, now I am scared.

Because in dating someone whom I deeply care about

It is really hard NOT to re-develop that co-dependency

Relationships are a little bit of a drug to me.

The longest I have ever been single since the the 6th grade was just recently,

and my singleness lasted 6 months

In all honesty I was planning for it to last a few years.

But life is life, plans get interrupted, things just plain fuck up!

Don't get me wrong, this change in plans is not a bad thing by any means

But how does one balance life when you have someone you care about so much and never get bored of

and can just talk to hours to about nothing

and no matter what you say,

You know for a fact, that they are never judging you

and supporting you in every decision you make in life

and just want you to be happy no matter what the consequences are.

How do you balance life....with that person?

How do you find time to develop yourself when all you want to do is lay in bed with them all day

just laughing and cuddling, and attempting to keep warm on a winters morning

(even though your hair is still wet from the shower you took together so your practically convulsing)

How does one keep their independent dreams in check?

Often times I think....

"relationships....they are not for me, because I can't prioritize and I have a very bad habit of putting my dreams aside for being around the person I care about"

This time I am trying my absolute best not to fall into that pattern again.

How did I fall so deep down the rabbit hole already?

None of it makes sense

For the longest time I kept this person at a distance,

convincing myself that it was only good for a friendship and nothing further

convincing myself that I was only good for friendships...

The second I let this person in

The walls I tried so hard to build come crumbling down as if they were made out of

Cookies...

COOKIES I TELL YOU!

And he's like....

metaphorical milk

>.O

yeah don't ask.

Anyhow.

I have the feeling that the most horrendous word in the human language may come into play soon

the "L" word

*gasp*

(no, like really, I am gasping for air on this subject)

mainly because once it is said

it cannot be unsaid

and once it is out there in the open

that is when all HELL breaks loose,

Fights start, jealousy, co-dependency

Is such a word really worth all that trouble? I seriously think not.

but then all the chills start rushing up inside me like tidal waves of....whatever the hell it is

and I start to find myself swooning....SWOONING FOR GAWDS SAKE

Dementia_kitty does NOT swoon. 

For anyone, ever.

I don't like this very much, it makes me all naseous with anxiety.

Especially since I swore to myself that I would have a relationship with a girl before I got this deeply involved with another guy.

AND

My zombie friend is coming.

Soon.

And I promised him a date quite a while ago and I have to keep my word

ugh.

I really wish this wasnt so complex.

But when I am with someone I care about so much

The music in my head stops....and there is no static conglomeration of voices for once.

Just calm quietness, I can think, I can feel the world around me, I feel...

Normal

and alive

How am I supposed to ignore that?

I dont think I am going to be able to figure that out.

I think it is going to end up getting worse

Of course this would happen now

The official "dating" someone is a go.

But a little background history.

There has been someone who's been on my mind on and off for the past couple of years now.

Somehow just through instant messengers and texts we were able to connect so well

this silly boy and I.

Then when we were finally able to see eachother on a screen the feelings developed even more.

There are a few main problems with this though.

Although are feelings for eachother are very obvious and pretty consistent....

He was engaged and now is in an "open relationship" because of me

and I feel slightly guilty for that fact.

But also, 

Silly me had to become attracted to someone who lives in New Jersey.

(Mind you, this is the only male that I have EVER truly been attracted to)

He has been claiming that he is moving out of there for as long as I have been interacting with him.

For some reason I got my hopes up for the longest time and after many delays and everything I just sort of started to give up.

To try to put him out of mind.

Because the likeliness of he and I ever getting together, if even for a date,

were pretty slim to none.

Now. Onto this new person.

He is a ghost from the past, a person I did not know very well back in the day when we would walk by eachother every day.

I was in a relationship back then

and he was just well....immature for my tastes ha.

Back then I admit to being a little stuck up and thought the dorky immature jokey type of people were beneath me in a way and did not go out of my way in order to interact with them. Ever.

But as of pretty recently we started talking again by means of the internet.

Funny thing is we did not know who one another were until a few messages back and forth.

You see he has changed pretty drastically in his looks O_o

Now I shall admit that there is a little bit of an attraction there.

I did not want to jump into any sort of relationship so we stayed friends for months.

Now we are "dating"

(although it has yet to become anything seemingly more than a close friendship which I am alright with)

But then OH HEY New Jersey guy texts me this morning going

"Oh hey guess what?!??! i am moving to Cali! See you in three weeks <3"

*facepalm*

I would get into a situation such as this.

Once again my ever racing mind switches between the pros and cons of both persons.

Pros...cons....pros...cons...pros...cons....pros.....cons....pros....cons....pros....cons....

pros...

cons....

pros....

cons....

pros....

cons...

back and forth, back and forth ,back and forth.

And more so than usual so this is really starting to give me a headache.

Am I really so selfish to want both of them close to me without a relationship? 

and then see my interactions with both and base who should get the title of

"I am in a relationship with him"

ugh I feel as if this is starting to become a bit similar to that of a game show

Date the Crazy! Whoever Needs the Most Psychological Help Wins the Girl!

no. haha. but its a funny thought.

Speaking technically.

Jersey guy.

Has a minimum wage job.

Does not go to school.

Is a heavy smoker.

And cannot for the life of him stay in a dedicated relationship for very long from what I have witnessed.

But the attraction is overwhelming.

Ghost from the past.

Enrolled in school,

actually wants to do something with his life.

Has been a fantastic friend.

A little socially inept but hey that can always be fixed with time.

And there is a slight attraction there. But there is just something about him that I am not completely sure of.

As if something is missing and I just dont know what.

Hopefully I am over thinking this.

Because the logical and obvious choice is my ghost from the past.

But only time will tell how any of this turns out. I hope that somehow we all end up happy.

and whats also very strange is that I connect songs to people. And I equally think of both of them in a romantic sense when I hear this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsPqlg36G14

very strange considering I have NEVER connected more than one person to a single song.

Very confusing indeed.