Damn the Distance

=[[

cuddles

smileeeeeeee

i dont likes it wen ur sadddd

^^ cuddles

im sowwy

dont be sorry hunni i jus wish i could makes you happyful\

youuuu dooo. Just life doesnt

i know hunni, but if i was more of a part of your life you wouldnt be so sad

=]

taclkes

aweee

you make me smile and tear up a little lol

y u tear up hunni?

cuzzzzzz idk. lol

lol u dont know or u dont want to tell? lol

a little bit of both? i know that doesnt make sense but still lol

i think what u mean is, your not really sure but u really dont wanna talk about what you think it is

even tho u should tell me anyway cause im fuckin mitch <4

*

hahaha

well i guess I wish I had a person like you around all the time

lol awessss

now y wouldnt u want to tell me that? that was flattering and adorable

I think I would be alot happier if i did, but it also makes me kinda sad because the type of people I want around so much can never be around or end up leaving

ahhhh just cuz i really mean it i guess

you should know you can tell me anything and i wouldnt think differently about you. cause i want the same3 thing you want hun

thanks it really means alot

it just sucks that theres no one around

well, im as around as i can be hunn

i wish i could actually see you or hear ur voice3

yeah and that video chat didnt fail lol

agreed =[

idk, im kinda worried if i saw you in person id literally tackle you

hahahahah

I think I would love that

lol <#

idk, id be afraid id do something stupid tho x.x

AWE whyyyy? >.<

causeeeee

i has reasons

lol

probably cause id be afraid id kiss you or something

lololol thats soooo cute thooooo

lol, it would be acceptable if i wasnt in a relationship, actually, if i wasnt in a relationship, id go after you

lol

god dammit

>:[

ive had alot of feelings for you for a while now

what??? =[

the feelings are mutual thats why i say god dammit lol

lol aweeeee

=[

i sorrys

i has bad timing

x.x

you really really really do its okay though

lol

its life I suppose

8:24pm

i know what you mean x.x

ive liked you since i first told you i did.

lol

damn my shyness

sigh

no its damn your distance

yeah, if i was closer i definately wouldve made as move on you already. id treat you the way you deserve to be and id try to make you happy agaibn

8:27pm

thats probably the sweetest thing Ive heard in a few years

now your really gonna make me cry llol

nnononononononononoooooo dont cry love

cuddles

I try not I try not >.<

8:29pm

lol kisses cheek

we will has to find someone to take my place, much as i dont want someone to, you deserve to be happys

One of the only silly boys that I would probably drop everything for if I could

Lifes circumstances leaves me lonely though....

and him engaged....

Life is Lovely Isnt it?

Things like this always end up making me cry....

Drama is what fuels the highschool kids.

This and that, this and that, this and that

he said, she said, all of that nonsense

It sends my head for a loop

Especially since I have not dealt with that amount of immaturity since ohhhhh probably about the 9th grade

Friends wanting other friends to choose them over someone else

It is probably the shittiest situation one can think of

and its not even equivalent to highschool drama

its like.........middle school drama

Eff whats each of us to stop talking to the infamous Ess.

Personally, I have no beef with Ess

I do see how she can be manipulative, and selfish, but hey take the good with the bad, right?

Of course I am more fond of Eff because he has been around longer, I have a better connection with him and hell!

He has kept me from killing myself on several occassions and has been a wonderful friend

but the route of selfishness he has taken is a little off putting.

What if I chose Ess over him? 

Would he toss me out like yesterday's trash?

Perhaps that is how deep he lets friendships go, just deep enough to be thrown away if not lived up to the standards that were set for them.

I cannot say that I judge him for taking this selfish and immature route of attack though.

When I was in the same situation, it truly drove me mad that my friends would hang out with Pup more than they would hang out with me.

My friends

I had truly wanted to ask them to take a side and I deeply regret not doing so infact.

Because nearly all the friends who I thought would choose my side in the beginning and stick with my til the end.

Were eventually persuaded to his saintly savior-ness 

While the feeling of alienation grew.

So I ended up with no friends from the old days as a result

perhaps there are one or two who stayed, but they were never really involved in the situation anyhow.

So that is a little depressing fact.

That if I had acted on my immaturity, then I probably would have ended up with more friends to rely on

Lord knows I needed it as well

Maybe i wouldntve ended up in the hospital again?

Who knows.

But the ending verdict is that I am slightly obligated to take his side

and I hate it.

I hate understanding his side more than hers

It makes me feel like such a horrible person

because under normal circumstances, I would rather back away and lose both friends

At least that way it would be fair

And I hate hurting people, no matter how much "wrong" they did to one of my close friends

Two wrongs dont make a right

I suppose I am not going to chase her away, but perhaps act a little more distant and alienated towards Ess

I can only hope that things will cool down eventually so that I can freely hang out with either one of them without emotional issues getting involved

It pains me because I promised her

and I am never one to break promises

But unfortunately I have to rely in Eff for quite a few things

emotional and material, and chasing them both off at this point would be unwise.

Oh well.......

I suppose the most important thing is that

I Love You Both

and the emotional aspect of things will never change despite the physical actions

No matter how much you guys end up hating each other

*sigh*

Inconsiderate

I tend to be a horrible friend.

Just saying.

Inconsiderate

I was never one to keep my mouth shut, because hey, I am an open book.

People who want to keep something secret

I see as people who are ashamed of whatever they do not let out.

So as hard as I try to actively understand what that feels like...

It just seems to be a foreign idea to my mind.

I really wish I could sew my mouth shut right now.

I have never kept secrets because I just accept that I am mentally fucked and degraded.

That nothing inside of me will give way to a better day

a better life

Inconsiderate

and I am okay with that, because I have made that place my home

But then things slip...

I forget that others do not feel the same way and prefer to keep many aspects of their lives hidden.

If I were to do that then I probably would have been in the ground years ago.

The only reason I go spewing out information sometimes is simply because it hurts too much to keep it in.

I do not think my friends realize how important they are to me.

And that when something traumatic happens to them, I feel the same hurt.

The night my best friend went to the hospital

I was up all night....crying...banging my head against a wall

because I was so utterly worried and anxious

My anxiety convinced me that she had died on her way to the hospital. 

Then every night until she arrived home safely I cried myself to sleep.

I don't keep secrets

Inconsiderate

because if I were to, then they would all boil up inside of me

When something like that happens

I need to talk to someone about it.

And often times it cannot be just one person, because hearing different points of view about a situation gives you the most rational and unskewed results.

A particular person close to my best friend had called me an attention seeker because of this flaw in my personality.

Perhaps I am.

But not for the reasons you would think.

But because I cannot cope without talking to others.

It is what therapy taught me throughout the years.

And then the real world tells me the opposite.

That I am supposed to keep the things that upset me inside.

My best friend.

Called me inconsiderate.

She forgave me within the same sentence, but negatives make such a greater impact, opposed to a positive

but thats all that echoes now...

Inconsiderate

Inconsiderate

Inconsiderate

Inconsiderate

Inconsiderate

Fucking Inconsiderate

I do not think people realize how much an insult damages me, especially when from a friend.

Especially because it is true.

That is really the only time the voices come back, when words tear my bones apart from the inside out.

It paralyzes my mind

Inconsiderate

Sick, fucking demented voices...

I can never stop shaking when the echoeing starts

The ones like me should have their mouths sewn shut, because it is all that can be done to keep us quiet.

Perhaps if I were more normal it would be easier to be a best friend.

But I tend to chase people away.

Inconsiderate

I like to convince myself that I am a good person sometimes.

But then I realize how much I am fooling myself because I can never live up to normal social standards 

as hard as I try and as much as I want to

5150

5150

5150

I hope that next time

Since there always is a next time

They do keep me in there.

Or rather

Maybe I shall make my situation worse once I am in there

So that I may never leave

So that I can stop harming others the way I do

because it is inevitable

as much as I hate harming others emotionally

I would much rather harm someone physically than emotionally

If I am tied to a bed then no one will be able to get close enough so that I may harm them

ever again

5150

Inconsiderate

When looking up the word in the dictionary. 

And then I appear

I am so sorry best friend

but perhaps it is in your best interest to find a better best friend

ARGH. Yes I am a pirate

Random subject titles

FTW!

anyhow.

It is my would be 5 year anniversary with my ex tomorrow.

Well thats fucking depressing haha

Oh well...

Off to bigger and better things!

(no pun intended)

But this song still makes me cry everytime I hear it

It was our song.

WATCH CLICK HERE MUAHAHA

I seriously doubt I will ever feel the same way about someone, nor will someone ever feel the same for me

If you are out there mister "I am too perfect to be found"

then please lead yourself to Ms. "Im too fucked in the head to be had"

I think we could be perfect for each other.

Oh how I hate being a hopeless romantic.

but dammit I cant help it

ARGH!

Friends...

So its 1:30 in the morning

My ex contacted me today in the afternoon asking if I was alright.

I said yeah

he said, you sure?

I said yup, but who knows maybe something will happen tonight.

He said, yeah i either get there right when it happens

....or know when something is about to happen

either way I wanted to make sure you were alright.

Once again he was right.

A shit load of time later. 

My best friend. The only girl actually keeping me from falling into a complete darkness that would consume and horrendously murder me if it got the chance.

Is at the moment in an ambulance on her way to the hospital.

Attempted suicide.

Fuck.

This isn't her first attempt.

But it has been the only one serious enough to land her in a hospital

which means trouble.

because all of the other attempts should have killed her

yet she lived

without going to a hospital

you see the fact that she is even in an ambulance right now.

Being shipped off to the looney bin soon

Just as I was on several occassions for the same reason so many years ago.

Its a scary thought.

She has always been so much stronger than me.

And now the foundation of which my last bit of sanity was set upon.

.........has been shattered.

please...

be your logical self and find some reason to stay here.

Because you are the only logic I have

and without you I will surely rot

Oh man oh man

Oh man oh man.

It has been quite a while since I have written anything on here, how sad.

And I deleted many of my past postings.

They were too fun for normal eyes to encounter 

heh

Anyhow! What have I been up to? Oh gee I am not quite sure.

I just got accepted into my model mayhem account.

Here is my page if you are interested in seeing what I am all about (hehehe)

http://www.modelmayhem.com/1778354

Now I can start doing paid gigs just for having a photographer take my soul a few hundred times

So that is indeed some fun little news.

OH!

I have recently discovered that my favorite computer game is coming out with a second in the series in 2011

oooooooooooooooohhhhhh I CANNOT wait!

Here! Go educate yourself and watch it! wattttchhhh itttt

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUmLstbaK-g

speaking of random youtube videos.

You should go subscribe to mine 

Here is my channel, go have some fun

http://www.youtube.com/user/amindofmyownhere?feature=mhum

Meanwhile, all the normal things of life set aside

(Me? Normal? God, I know)

I had a little bit of a mental flip a few weeks ago,

 (or was it months? I can no longer distinguish between periods of time)

And when I usually have a mental "flip" I somehow end up in the bathtub.

It is a comforting place of sorts.

So I laid down towels and made a bed. But the bed started swaying and then became a cruise ship. 

Then the cruise ship was attacked by a band of pirates off the South African coast and I thought I was done for..... 

But alas! I managed to fight them off bravely by throwing my laptop at the captain.

He then proceeded with his inevitable head trauma and bled to death.

Then all of a sudden. I was wearing the captains hat! And we sailed the seas, mightily fighting, robbing, and raping all we came in contact with.

Then someone texted me. 

And I realized I was still in the bathtub.

And that I was wearing a paper hat.

and yes, that is I in my beautiful paper hat that I earned after a hard days battle.

I think I would look quite good in a captains hat, but hey then again thats just me.

DONT DISAGREE WITH THE CRAZY!

tee hee