All in the past

When I look back on my past, I often think of the negative.

scars can fade but never completely.

But today I was thinking of all the positive that I have had happen in my life.
Specifically, the positive memories that I have gained out of the relationships I have been in.

Jake

John

David

Jay

They all ended because of negative things in this world, but some things are meant to be and some things aren't.
What was meant to be was all the happy memories I had with each one of them.

Jake

I started dating Jakub when I was 13, he was 16. We went to the same school and were completely and utterly in love.
I dated him for 4 years.
He was my first.

I genuinely thought I would marry him, and we would stay up talking on the phone until 3 in the morning talking about our future, our kids names, our wedding, our dreams together, only to get up early to see each other the next day.

I remember that at one point, we had gone 3 months seeing each other every day. 

We went to school together, we went to church together and we would hang out on Saturdays.
He had a genuinely unique way of seeing the world, and still to this day, I have not met a single person who saw the world the way he did.
He found a glass heart pendant on the ground once during school, ran up to me going "LOOK! LOOK AT IT!....there's an angel wing....right THERE!"
Of course I didn't see it, I just saw a swirl of colors.
But he pointed to it again and described a beautiful scenery where the angel was lost and trying to find it's way back home...it was spreading it's wings, ready to fly"
And then I saw it, and it was beautiful.

It was as if he painted a portrait right in front of my eyes, and I would have never seen it if he didn't view the world the way he did.
He then opened my hand and placed that small glass pendant in my hand and closed it.

He looked up and said

"You keep it, something so beautiful only deserves a home with someone equal in its beauty"
These small gifts meant more to me than any money could buy simply because of the lesson he taught me with it. 

There is beauty in everything, you just have to look at it with a trained eye.

He was always so strange, but I loved that about him and still do.
Whenever I need to relax, I still go back and look through all his little drawings and love letters to me.
One reads:
"Dearest Love, 

Fear no more that I am lost. Rest surely within our dreams in delight that I've not, nor will ever leave your side, not for even the slightest moment. Your beauty that so lightens the world was something so surpassing of even my own imagination that I felt I could still not marvel enough if I were given the chance to gaze an eternity. Please forgive this foolish poet, for so awestruck was I that I unintentionally lost my place within this chapter so rightfully known as the present. My Father's not yet ceased to scold me in my selfish act, but oh how I delight in it, for how true it is said that one must have chaos to gain power and I feel my mind ever increasingly becoming that which once held its position within my head. I feel as though a grand debt of gratitude is owed for having been so careless of myself, and putting such a fair angel through such trying and burdening thymes. Let it be known that henceforth I shall not act upon my overbearing flaws to remain that young boy who so entranced you at a mere gaze.

With ever growing love,

Jakub"

Which he ended by signing in blood. It was a small burden that he acted out on, but once that letter was given to me, that small flaw never came up again in argument. He kept his promises, more than anyone I have ever known.

And he did put me in a trance at just a mere gaze. I remember we had a math class together...I was crying on the first day, and he passed me a letter, folded into the shape of a house.

but when opened was found this version of the house. One filled with demons and hate. 

 Inside the house he had written to me not to bare so much emotional weight on my shoulders. That he was there and always would be there for me talk to. That he could tell there was too much I was hiding, and that he wanted to help me.

(in his own words of course)

I didn't even know who he was but I looked over at him and was caught up in something beyond anything I ever knew.

He will forever have me in his grasp because he was the first love I ever had.

The plans and dreams that we had together will never die, because I know these first ones, the ones that existed before everyone else, will always be the most special to me.

I am the person I am today because of him, and he is the person he is today because of me.

And although things didn't work out, the other night when we were on the phone together, we said an entire phrase at the same time.

That used to happen all the time, it would freak out our parents, friends, teachers, even us. After things ended, that didn't happen for a while. But when we said that one phrase, we both just burst out laughing, tried to say

"well I'm glad that will never change" and started laughing again because we had said it at the same time again.

and now for some more pictures!

Probably a 3rd of all the letters I still have from him, along with all the odd gifts, the heart shaped stone (which he carved) a peppermint candle carved into a heart and a J (my favorite) and the millions of little drawings he would make for me

Wow, I thought I would be able to finish this all up in one post, but I guess not...

I guess I had too much good to say when I forgot about the bad.

I'm assuming I'll have just as much to say about my other past relationships.

Next few posts will go in chronological order.

In a way, I love looking back on everything I loved about each and every one of them.

It makes it seem as if nothing bad ever happened and that they will always remain extravagant, all in their own unique ways.