Thoughts

Given recent circumstances,

I am feeling forced to remember what happened to me when I was 17
87 pounds, suicidal, mental breakdown.

It had followed a couple of months after my relationship went down the drain.

He was everything to me, and I couldn't picture life without the dreams we had made together.

He had promised me that if I ever ended up in the hospital, that he would visit.

He did not.

It was the most destructive blow I had ever taken.

It made me hate him, hate myself, and quite honestly, it made me never want to see him again.

I wonder what his thoughts were...

Looking back on it,

I was a handful to deal with.

I was extremely needy, sent him emails that would harass him, I would beg and beg and beg for him to take me back.

I would pretend I was making progress in my mental well-being, and then lash out when he didn't believe me.

Endless calls, texts, and general harassment.

(hmmm....that sounds familiar)
I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone, 

the feeling of true abandonment, being left to rot and die.

But now I wonder, did he know it would end my clingyness? My harassing ways? My sheer dependence on a person?

What would have happened if he did visit?

It probably would have started all over.

I thought of him so highly, that if I saw him again, a flame of hope that wasn't actually there would have been lit.

I don't think I would have stopped my ways.

I don't think I would have become stronger, or independent, or have learned the lessons I did while I was in the hospital.

In a grand way, I am glad he didn't visit. I didn't know it then but years after, I realize that it was my lowered respect for someone I thought so highly of that challenged me to survive. I gained my love and respect back of him later on, and now, it's as if that whole incident never really happened. I became the person he was waiting for me to be.

We are great friends, and we always fiddle with the idea of something more. Who knows what will happen with time.

As ironic and cruel as it is, the roles have been switched on me.  

I wouldn't wish that horrible feeling on anyone, to be left for dead, but it made me become the person everyone knew I was on the inside, so would it work on someone else?

Would I be making a grand mistake by visiting and somehow re-starting a cycle that could be deadly to said person?
Would this person even have the same reaction if I didn't visit?
Would it make him stronger, to get by completely on his own, or would it make him bitter and vengeful, like I have so often seen him become?

I can't help but feel partially responsible.

At the same time though, I have no way of contact.

I no longer have the house number, and all contacts have been blocked by my family on our phone service.
I suppose one of the only ways would be if he were to contact me through the hospital phones.

I know he probably won't,

but it would be nice to be reassured that he is at least going to be okay.