Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Sexuality, again?


Once again, a peculiar sort of madness has invaded my head.
Whilst working, I started thinking about my past and how my sexuality had developed and/or the way in which it was discovered.
I began thinking
"Has anyone else experienced the same confused feelings that I did?"
I know I have had quite a few troubles compared to your average person when it comes to knowing their sexuality.
I hope that there are plenty of people who haven't had nearly as much trouble mentally dealing with who they are.
For me, it has been a constant struggle and fear to know that the possibility of falling in love with the same sex is completely there and real
and that it is possible I may have to confront the world, my family and myself if that were to happen.
Being out to your close friends is one thing,
being out to your family and living and breathing in your sexuality is different, unfortunately.I have gone into panic attacks at the thought, and in a time far more confusing than now, have prayed to my dead god to be what I am not, if only for the sake of keeping my life as simple as possible.
I know that I am not a simple person though.
I have tried on for size the label of "straight"
Have had boyfriends tell me that I am,
and have had close friends analyze me and tell me that I am,
even though I knew they were only telling me such a damned lie in order to sooth my conscience.
I have even pushed so hard as to get therapists to try to tell me that I am indeed straight, just for the sake of concentrating on other issues besides my sexuality.
(seems logical, right? Tell the girl having identity issues that she's just like the majority of the world so they can move onto the next subject)

But "straight" almost seemed like backtracking.
It always made me feel MORE guilty, claiming that I am just like the majority, especially when most of my stolen breaths have been a result of my child hood next door neighbor and her bright strawberry blonde hair and blue eyes; coming over and swinging on my swings in elegance, while I would timidly stay close to her, but never too close.
And so I want to take a turn in this subject
from dreary to nostalgic.

Even til this day, I cannot say that I have seen a creature as beautiful as my childhood friend.
In the midst of abuse and confusion, I guess it was my time with her that made me realize, that these feelings were no longer being forced upon me, but instead, I was developing my own sense of longing for another.

These feelings have confused me, scarred me, and have lead me into dreary periods of darkness,
but for some reason,
I can look back and remember her bright hair, and feel a bit more relaxed about who/what I am, and stop the worrying for a bit.
I was 9 years old when I realized, and also 9 years old when she left.
I guess in a way I'm wondering, what made it so real for everyone else?
Was there a moment?
A person?
A far off, and recently recollected memory?
How old were you?
Did it confuse you as much as it did me?
Are you like me?

Even while being caught up in a happy, selfless, loving relationship, that side of my questioning never ends.
I am grateful to have someone who supports me in answering my questions the way that he does.

<3