Lessons on Ditches in the Heart Mends Stitches

Satisfaction.

Defined as being content with a current situation.

Depression.

Defined as a state of low mood and aversion to activity.

Is it possible to be completely in the realm of both worlds at a specific time and place?

Can one situation be prone to existing at a satisfactory yet depressing level?

If it is not supposed to be then I guess I am just a girl who defies such rules.

For me, it is hard to imagine any romantic relationship that does not exist without both.

Granted all romantic relationships also give way to many happy thoughts and events

(or else they wouldn't be very romantic)

But that is not the particular part of the issue I wish to focus on.

As a sort of introduction to this, I will clarify that for one:

I do love my boyfriend, there is no doubt in my mind that I do.

Two:

My thoughts on situations are constantly changing. This is the way my brain feels currently and it is quite possible that I will not be taking the same stance tomorrow morning.

And three:

This is the blog of a mentally unstable creature. Best to keep that in mind.

Perhaps I am alone in saying this, but have you ever experienced utter and complete obsession, yet horrid aggravation in a relationship?

I suppose it is a bit hard to imagine but maybe the explanation of my reasoning will help a bit...or not.

My mind has a billion thoughts racing every second, on which most are based off of doubt.

Questions.

Endless questioning.

Will this last?

Am I really happy?

Why do I feel out of place?

Is there someone "better" out there for me?

Am I even sure of my sexuality?

What is this really leading to?

Disaster? Marriage? Kids? Divorce? Financial difficulties? Mental stability (hah!)? Satisfaction?

Any relationship is not simple, especially for me.

Because I am an extremely passive person.

I can put up with anyone's bullshit, and put it out of mind as if it never happened.

(an aggravating talent I can assure you)
And because of this, I can be practically anyone's angel.

In every relationship I have been in, the talk of marriage becomes a persistent subject in the poor lad's minds.

Meanwhile, I am sitting here managing the pros and cons in my head so tenaciously as if it were a matter of life and death.

I mean, you can be happy in a relationship, really adore this person, but how is anyone EVER sure of 

"the one"?

You can't be. It is impossible.

Anyone who thinks otherwise I view as a fool, mostly because they even comprehend such an idea as

"the one"

Perhaps this all stems from the fact that when it comes to other people, I just prefer to spend most of my time alone.

Even if I love someone. I need space, and lots of it.

Otherwise I feel that I am drowning in imaginary expectations.

I do not understand my brain.

How can someone be sure of everything without any doubt in their minds when it comes to a relationship

Because I do on some days!

In fact, so much that I feel like dropping down on one knee myself!

(absurd but a rather empowering idea)

And then the next day (or the day prior) feel like just walking out the door after whispering two simple words

"I'm done"

How can the temptation for both aspects be equally overwhelming?

Also.

I was told just recently to "listen to your heart and not your head" when it comes to my doubts.

But perhaps it was your head that convinced you this would be a good thing for you in the first place.

Perhaps my heart has no idea which position it wants to take in this argument.

I don't know. It is all so confusing.

At Times Like These

My anxiety tends to come out of nowhere

I could be sitting at home watching TV and all of a sudden.

Boom...drop...empty...

Only way I can describe the suddeness of the emotion.

It always resorts back to one thing now.

Memories of a really traumatizing time in my life.

Where a man's hand covered my mouth and I was pulled into the unknown.

It is as if I am living a constant nightmare

Being threatened everywhere I go by my own head.

I don't really know what triggers the attacks.

But one pattern is for sure.

Staying too long on the subject of sexuality.

Tis a subject that I thoroughly enjoy,

considering I am not exactly normal and have endless quirks that go along with that subject.

But it can never be thoroughly enjoyed anymore without some sort of fear welling up inside me.

Sometimes anxiety hits.

Sometimes it doesn't.

But this subject seems to be the one that triggers it the most.

Another thing that can be added to the pattern I have discovered tonight.

That it happens even more often when the subject of sexuality is mixed in with the subject of dissapointment.

The connections are obvious.

But it is not something that I want to happen all the time.

It gets in the way of so many things.

Like when your lover suggests something in the bedroom that you turn down and the dissapointment on their half.

Or something along the lines of that

(not saying that has happened but it is a good example)

Or the

"I guess this isn't happening?" scenario.

I don't know why but I feel as if I have become a failure, a letdown, a good for nothing but sex, yet not even good for that, type of girl; whenever the subjects mix.

I suppose I felt like a mistake, a huge disappointment the night I was carried into an unknown realm,

maybe that is the connection between the two.

I don't want other people to feel as if they are walking on eggshells around me though.

I want to get past this.

Handicapping me, I feel will only prolong the symptoms.

It is something I need to learn how to deal with.

I am finding more connections though...

That is a step forward.

Isn't it?