Friday, October 22, 2010

Inconsiderate

I tend to be a horrible friend.
Just saying.
Inconsiderate
I was never one to keep my mouth shut, because hey, I am an open book.
People who want to keep something secret
I see as people who are ashamed of whatever they do not let out.
So as hard as I try to actively understand what that feels like...
It just seems to be a foreign idea to my mind.
I really wish I could sew my mouth shut right now.
I have never kept secrets because I just accept that I am mentally fucked and degraded.
That nothing inside of me will give way to a better day
a better life
Inconsiderate
and I am okay with that, because I have made that place my home
But then things slip...
I forget that others do not feel the same way and prefer to keep many aspects of their lives hidden.
If I were to do that then I probably would have been in the ground years ago.
The only reason I go spewing out information sometimes is simply because it hurts too much to keep it in.
I do not think my friends realize how important they are to me.
And that when something traumatic happens to them, I feel the same hurt.
The night my best friend went to the hospital
I was up all night....crying...banging my head against a wall
because I was so utterly worried and anxious
My anxiety convinced me that she had died on her way to the hospital. 
Then every night until she arrived home safely I cried myself to sleep.
I don't keep secrets
Inconsiderate
because if I were to, then they would all boil up inside of me
When something like that happens
I need to talk to someone about it.
And often times it cannot be just one person, because hearing different points of view about a situation gives you the most rational and unskewed results.
A particular person close to my best friend had called me an attention seeker because of this flaw in my personality.
Perhaps I am.
But not for the reasons you would think.
But because I cannot cope without talking to others.
It is what therapy taught me throughout the years.
And then the real world tells me the opposite.
That I am supposed to keep the things that upset me inside.
My best friend.
Called me inconsiderate.
She forgave me within the same sentence, but negatives make such a greater impact, opposed to a positive
but thats all that echoes now...
Inconsiderate
Inconsiderate
Inconsiderate
Inconsiderate
Inconsiderate
Fucking Inconsiderate
I do not think people realize how much an insult damages me, especially when from a friend.
Especially because it is true.
That is really the only time the voices come back, when words tear my bones apart from the inside out.
It paralyzes my mind
Inconsiderate
Sick, fucking demented voices...
I can never stop shaking when the echoeing starts
The ones like me should have their mouths sewn shut, because it is all that can be done to keep us quiet.
Perhaps if I were more normal it would be easier to be a best friend.
But I tend to chase people away.
Inconsiderate
I like to convince myself that I am a good person sometimes.
But then I realize how much I am fooling myself because I can never live up to normal social standards 
as hard as I try and as much as I want to
5150
5150
5150
I hope that next time
Since there always is a next time
They do keep me in there.
Or rather
Maybe I shall make my situation worse once I am in there
So that I may never leave
So that I can stop harming others the way I do
because it is inevitable
as much as I hate harming others emotionally
I would much rather harm someone physically than emotionally
If I am tied to a bed then no one will be able to get close enough so that I may harm them
ever again
5150
Inconsiderate
When looking up the word in the dictionary. 
And then I appear

I am so sorry best friend
but perhaps it is in your best interest to find a better best friend

Monday, October 18, 2010

ARGH. Yes I am a pirate

Random subject titles
FTW!
anyhow.
It is my would be 5 year anniversary with my ex tomorrow.
Well thats fucking depressing haha
Oh well...
Off to bigger and better things!
(no pun intended)
But this song still makes me cry everytime I hear it
It was our song.

I seriously doubt I will ever feel the same way about someone, nor will someone ever feel the same for me
If you are out there mister "I am too perfect to be found"
then please lead yourself to Ms. "Im too fucked in the head to be had"
I think we could be perfect for each other.
Oh how I hate being a hopeless romantic.
but dammit I cant help it
ARGH!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Friends...

So its 1:30 in the morning
My ex contacted me today in the afternoon asking if I was alright.
I said yeah
he said, you sure?
I said yup, but who knows maybe something will happen tonight.
He said, yeah i either get there right when it happens
....or know when something is about to happen
either way I wanted to make sure you were alright.
Once again he was right.
A shit load of time later. 
My best friend. The only girl actually keeping me from falling into a complete darkness that would consume and horrendously murder me if it got the chance.
Is at the moment in an ambulance on her way to the hospital.
Attempted suicide.
Fuck.
This isn't her first attempt.
But it has been the only one serious enough to land her in a hospital
which means trouble.
because all of the other attempts should have killed her
yet she lived
without going to a hospital
you see the fact that she is even in an ambulance right now.
Being shipped off to the looney bin soon
Just as I was on several occassions for the same reason so many years ago.
Its a scary thought.
She has always been so much stronger than me.
And now the foundation of which my last bit of sanity was set upon.
.........has been shattered.
please...
be your logical self and find some reason to stay here.
Because you are the only logic I have
and without you I will surely rot

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Oh man oh man

Oh man oh man.
It has been quite a while since I have written anything on here, how sad.
And I deleted many of my past postings.
They were too fun for normal eyes to encounter 
heh
Anyhow! What have I been up to? Oh gee I am not quite sure.
I just got accepted into my model mayhem account.
Here is my page if you are interested in seeing what I am all about (hehehe)
Now I can start doing paid gigs just for having a photographer take my soul a few hundred times
So that is indeed some fun little news.
OH!
I have recently discovered that my favorite computer game is coming out with a second in the series in 2011
oooooooooooooooohhhhhh I CANNOT wait!
Here! Go educate yourself and watch it! wattttchhhh itttt
speaking of random youtube videos.
You should go subscribe to mine 
Here is my channel, go have some fun

Meanwhile, all the normal things of life set aside
(Me? Normal? God, I know)
I had a little bit of a mental flip a few weeks ago,
 (or was it months? I can no longer distinguish between periods of time)
And when I usually have a mental "flip" I somehow end up in the bathtub.
It is a comforting place of sorts.
So I laid down towels and made a bed. But the bed started swaying and then became a cruise ship. 
Then the cruise ship was attacked by a band of pirates off the South African coast and I thought I was done for..... 
But alas! I managed to fight them off bravely by throwing my laptop at the captain.
He then proceeded with his inevitable head trauma and bled to death.
Then all of a sudden. I was wearing the captains hat! And we sailed the seas, mightily fighting, robbing, and raping all we came in contact with.
Then someone texted me. 
And I realized I was still in the bathtub.
And that I was wearing a paper hat.

and yes, that is I in my beautiful paper hat that I earned after a hard days battle.
I think I would look quite good in a captains hat, but hey then again thats just me.
DONT DISAGREE WITH THE CRAZY!
tee hee