Thoughts

Given recent circumstances,

I am feeling forced to remember what happened to me when I was 17
87 pounds, suicidal, mental breakdown.

It had followed a couple of months after my relationship went down the drain.

He was everything to me, and I couldn't picture life without the dreams we had made together.

He had promised me that if I ever ended up in the hospital, that he would visit.

He did not.

It was the most destructive blow I had ever taken.

It made me hate him, hate myself, and quite honestly, it made me never want to see him again.

I wonder what his thoughts were...

Looking back on it,

I was a handful to deal with.

I was extremely needy, sent him emails that would harass him, I would beg and beg and beg for him to take me back.

I would pretend I was making progress in my mental well-being, and then lash out when he didn't believe me.

Endless calls, texts, and general harassment.

(hmmm....that sounds familiar)
I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone, 

the feeling of true abandonment, being left to rot and die.

But now I wonder, did he know it would end my clingyness? My harassing ways? My sheer dependence on a person?

What would have happened if he did visit?

It probably would have started all over.

I thought of him so highly, that if I saw him again, a flame of hope that wasn't actually there would have been lit.

I don't think I would have stopped my ways.

I don't think I would have become stronger, or independent, or have learned the lessons I did while I was in the hospital.

In a grand way, I am glad he didn't visit. I didn't know it then but years after, I realize that it was my lowered respect for someone I thought so highly of that challenged me to survive. I gained my love and respect back of him later on, and now, it's as if that whole incident never really happened. I became the person he was waiting for me to be.

We are great friends, and we always fiddle with the idea of something more. Who knows what will happen with time.

As ironic and cruel as it is, the roles have been switched on me.  

I wouldn't wish that horrible feeling on anyone, to be left for dead, but it made me become the person everyone knew I was on the inside, so would it work on someone else?

Would I be making a grand mistake by visiting and somehow re-starting a cycle that could be deadly to said person?
Would this person even have the same reaction if I didn't visit?
Would it make him stronger, to get by completely on his own, or would it make him bitter and vengeful, like I have so often seen him become?

I can't help but feel partially responsible.

At the same time though, I have no way of contact.

I no longer have the house number, and all contacts have been blocked by my family on our phone service.
I suppose one of the only ways would be if he were to contact me through the hospital phones.

I know he probably won't,

but it would be nice to be reassured that he is at least going to be okay.

Better Off

Happy Holidays and all that good stuff!

The holidays have always been an odd time of the year for me.

In years past I have felt like the black sheep of the family;

I was socially awkward, quiet, and no one was ever quite sure of what to get me, so I often got gifts from family members that were meant to influence me to dress differently.
Although I am more open-minded and try not to wear so much black nowadays, I never was, or ever will wear something from Abercrombie. Haha. 

So for once, my family was dead on with my changing style this year haha

but that's not the thing I am most happy about.

This year, I genuinely feel like a better person, and I feel like I don't have anyone holding me down.

I participated in games with my family, and talked, and genuinely got along with my extended family.

I never did before, mainly because they are all very latin, and well....my mom and I are extremely white-washed haha.

Notice the skin tone difference? Haha

This winter vacation hasn't been the most productive, but it has been really fun.

I feel as if my friends and I have just become BETTER friends after there was some exclusion of drama causing factors from our lives.

Sometimes you just have to, especially if you know that nothing you do or say will make things better, and will probably just make things worse.

A person can keep fighting for something but if giving up makes both parties happier in the long run, and this is something you know FOR SURE, well then, we are all fucking idiots for not giving up sooner haha.
Sometimes giving up makes you feel like the king of the world, sometimes getting to the finish line ruins your life.

Either way, I am happier this time around during the Holidays.

I have my friends

Like Super Modelesque Sammi here, and her accidental "I'm better than you" pose haha

She is my wesbian, that is all.

and my beautiful mommy on the right, who's asianess shows when she is laughing haha.

I have my wonderful co-workers who I get to mess around with and play pranks on.

I am especially grateful to be working with them and for a company where I make about 1,300 a month (WOOT)

They've basically become my new extended family.

This was at the holiday party we had in the back room, it was a dessert potluck!

Oh god.....

This guy right here. Hahaha I just noticed his face.

and then Amy with her utensils in her mouth haha

Anyhow. I plan to be working with the company all throughout school. It's hard work but I know I can pull it off.

Which brings me to another thing I am grateful for.

The strength I've developed as a person.

If this year had happened when I was in my early highschool years,

I would have been pushed around, and not have been able to handle some of the things that have happened this year.

But now I'm strong enough to stand up for what I believe in, not what others believe in,

and also have gained the ability to limit myself when it is necessary.
I still have a long way to go, as does everyone else, since we are creatures who are constantly learning, but my family has told me how proud they are of me for all that I've accomplished this past year. 

I have a lot to be proud of that has happened. 

I bought my own car with my own money, without any help.

I maintained over a 3.7 even while working 40 hours a week

I got people Christmas gifts that I knew they would like! I loved that feeling. I finally felt like I wasn't so broke and that I could afford to buy people things that they would like. 

I've taken more time out of my busy schedule for my family, AND for my friends, which was the best move ever. I don't care if I procrastinate, I know I will get it done because I have to, but seeing my friends in between really takes my mind off of stress, which is a really hard thing to do for me. I seem to always be caught up in due dates and end up putting my social life on the backburner, but I've found a good balancing point and that is something I can be proud of because I've never been able to accomplish that before.

I've made around 500 in sales with my jewelry (still can't say that word though -_-)

and I feel as if I can more wholly embrace myself and who I am

me looking super 80's and lesbian-ish haha

2 girls have given me their numbers with my new found confidence...yes I am bragging hahaha

wow this was kind of all over the place. My mind does indeed wander. 

But! A shout out to a good friend! You know who you are!

 because you gave me these! A beautiful steampunk key! And PIRATE underwear!

Along with a very pretty glittery rose and a sticker from one of the lovely crumpets!

Thank-you! I hope your gifts come in the mail soon!

Anyhow, happy holidays! 

I'm going to go enjoy some holiday candy!

<3

Sexuality, again? (part II) (also a delay in the ex topic posts)

She kissed me that night.

She walked with me up to the steps of my house, hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, then looked into my eyes and kissed my lips.

My lipstick was blended with hers, a beautiful reddish-purple; slightly smeared and warm.

She grabbed my hand, giggled, and said sorry.

I asked her for what.

She said for stealing a kiss from me.

I smiled, kissed her on the cheek and told her I would have eventually if she hadn't. 

I wanted to invite her in, and I could tell that she felt torn and wanted to be invited in, but with the family home, and her friend waiting in the car, it simply wasn't an option. 

I wonder what would have happened that night if the situation was slightly different. 

Would she have pushed her body against mine, eager for warmth? Eager for satisfaction?
Or would have things simply fallen flat? An excited burst of carbonation suddenly gone listless.
I felt slightly relieved that she needed to go home, not because I didn't want her there, but because I was afraid of that awkward plateau of "there's something not right here"

Why am I so afraid?

How can others seem to embrace themselves so fully, but I feel like I could never make the first move if my life depended on it.

It's not as if the passion for it isn't there.

This girl, that girl, I constantly am enraptured by their beauty. 

Mostly, I think it is the fear of inadequacy.

With men, I can confidently say "I am not that pretty, but I know I am more attractive than you"

because it's a male, and in general, I don't find males along with their awkward anatomy attractive.

With a girl though, the constant thought is....

"How can she find me attractive? She is SO much prettier than I? What if she finds something about my body she thinks is unnattractive? Would she leave me dry, knowing that physically, she wins this contest?"

...so on and so forth. 

I can be confident with males. I am a woman, if they like the face, there isn't too much they are going to be picky about once I take my clothes off.

Women are so much different it seems.

It isn't as if I have been rejected for physical reasons, but perhaps it is because I know if I were to be, that would be the biggest blow to any sort of self-esteem I have, simply because there is a very wide variety of women that I find attractive.

I think most girls are insanely beautiful, and of course I have my preferences, but there is such a high respect for the elegance most girls have that I feel I lack somehow, that rejection once I took my clothes off, would tear me to ribbons.
These things that occupy my mind are odd, irrational even,

but somehow they don't seem to leave me alone.

Perhaps I will find my happy medium someday.

Or find an answer as to how I can be so insanely attracted to girls, yet have no courage.

And then be hardly attracted to guys, put myself through mental hardships for trying so hard, and then still be attracted to the idea of finding "prince charming" even though the sexual attraction hardly exists.

It is just the ease that men put me at mentally that makes me fall....

But I have to force myself to fall; convince myself "this is the way it's supposed to be"

and then trick myself into believing that a good friendships is actually something more.

I'm too busy to date though, or think too hard on these things.

What's meant to be is meant to be, right?
Or is it me who has to make that first move?

 That first move that I have always been too frightened to make.

John

John

I will be completely honest!

...I stalked him....

haha 

and that is how John and I had met.

He was the lone wolf in highschool. Always sat by himself, was always reading something and was always sitting in the oddest of places.

On top of the brick wall, laying down, reading a book.

In the middle of the football field, laying down, reading a book.

At the end of a dark hallway, leaning up against the wall, reading a book.

Or! 

He would be pacing back and forth, in costume, with a script in his hand and a wooden sword, practicing his choreography and lines.
He was a theater nerd and I loved it. He could quote practically anything from Shakespeare, which I will admit, just made me swoon more.
Never girl shy on stage, but would always turn bright red off stage when complimented by a pretty girl.
He was 5'11, dyed his hair dark blue, had hazel eyes, fantastic teeth, german and irish heritage, a naturally muscular build and a bass/baritone voice

*le swooooon*
and could sing with that voice of his!

* le more swoooooooooon*

After a couple of weeks of discovering all his hiding places on campus, he caught on, and started stalking me.
It developed into a really cute and innocent relationship.

I loved how we were on the same level intellectually (when it came to literature at least) so we could openly challenge each other and be competitive in many aspects.

It was a calm relationship.

No drama, just cuddling, nuzzling each other's faces with our noses and lots of video games haha.

I actually miss how cute he got when he would be losing at a first person shooter game against me.

He would do something annoying yet cute, like tickle me, or throw something across the room randomly to distract me, or just stand up, scoot over, and sit on top of me -_-

I loved how we never had a sexual relationship, simply because I knew I wasn't ready after Jake, and he was respectful enough to not try anything sly with me.
I was a very nervous and paranoid girl in high school, and before senior year, I had never attended a school dance or event.

But John took me to my first, (oddly enough, the lone wolf had been to more dances than I had)
It was a fantastic night, one that I will never forget. Surprisingly, he was a good slow dancer and we danced under black lights in a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory themed homecoming.

Wow, we were cute, haha. And now I miss my long hair T_T

I loved that he had a passion for theater, and I love the fact that he is now pursuing police work because he wants to be a detective.

I loved that everyone thought he was the kid that would end up blowing up the school haha

I absolutely adored his patience and the way he was with some of his only friends...which were the little kids he would mentor in his acting classes he would take outside of school. He was their hero, and it was adorable.
For as much swooning that was going on, (and still does go on whenever I think about his voice! *le swoon*) the relationship itself didn't last very long.
There were so many traits that I admired about him though, and these traits I wish to find in someone else someday. 

I think of him fondly, and will always affectionately refer to him as "Wolfie"

All in the past

When I look back on my past, I often think of the negative.

scars can fade but never completely.

But today I was thinking of all the positive that I have had happen in my life.
Specifically, the positive memories that I have gained out of the relationships I have been in.

Jake

John

David

Jay

They all ended because of negative things in this world, but some things are meant to be and some things aren't.
What was meant to be was all the happy memories I had with each one of them.

Jake

I started dating Jakub when I was 13, he was 16. We went to the same school and were completely and utterly in love.
I dated him for 4 years.
He was my first.

I genuinely thought I would marry him, and we would stay up talking on the phone until 3 in the morning talking about our future, our kids names, our wedding, our dreams together, only to get up early to see each other the next day.

I remember that at one point, we had gone 3 months seeing each other every day. 

We went to school together, we went to church together and we would hang out on Saturdays.
He had a genuinely unique way of seeing the world, and still to this day, I have not met a single person who saw the world the way he did.
He found a glass heart pendant on the ground once during school, ran up to me going "LOOK! LOOK AT IT!....there's an angel wing....right THERE!"
Of course I didn't see it, I just saw a swirl of colors.
But he pointed to it again and described a beautiful scenery where the angel was lost and trying to find it's way back home...it was spreading it's wings, ready to fly"
And then I saw it, and it was beautiful.

It was as if he painted a portrait right in front of my eyes, and I would have never seen it if he didn't view the world the way he did.
He then opened my hand and placed that small glass pendant in my hand and closed it.

He looked up and said

"You keep it, something so beautiful only deserves a home with someone equal in its beauty"
These small gifts meant more to me than any money could buy simply because of the lesson he taught me with it. 

There is beauty in everything, you just have to look at it with a trained eye.

He was always so strange, but I loved that about him and still do.
Whenever I need to relax, I still go back and look through all his little drawings and love letters to me.
One reads:
"Dearest Love, 

Fear no more that I am lost. Rest surely within our dreams in delight that I've not, nor will ever leave your side, not for even the slightest moment. Your beauty that so lightens the world was something so surpassing of even my own imagination that I felt I could still not marvel enough if I were given the chance to gaze an eternity. Please forgive this foolish poet, for so awestruck was I that I unintentionally lost my place within this chapter so rightfully known as the present. My Father's not yet ceased to scold me in my selfish act, but oh how I delight in it, for how true it is said that one must have chaos to gain power and I feel my mind ever increasingly becoming that which once held its position within my head. I feel as though a grand debt of gratitude is owed for having been so careless of myself, and putting such a fair angel through such trying and burdening thymes. Let it be known that henceforth I shall not act upon my overbearing flaws to remain that young boy who so entranced you at a mere gaze.

With ever growing love,

Jakub"

Which he ended by signing in blood. It was a small burden that he acted out on, but once that letter was given to me, that small flaw never came up again in argument. He kept his promises, more than anyone I have ever known.

And he did put me in a trance at just a mere gaze. I remember we had a math class together...I was crying on the first day, and he passed me a letter, folded into the shape of a house.

but when opened was found this version of the house. One filled with demons and hate. 

 Inside the house he had written to me not to bare so much emotional weight on my shoulders. That he was there and always would be there for me talk to. That he could tell there was too much I was hiding, and that he wanted to help me.

(in his own words of course)

I didn't even know who he was but I looked over at him and was caught up in something beyond anything I ever knew.

He will forever have me in his grasp because he was the first love I ever had.

The plans and dreams that we had together will never die, because I know these first ones, the ones that existed before everyone else, will always be the most special to me.

I am the person I am today because of him, and he is the person he is today because of me.

And although things didn't work out, the other night when we were on the phone together, we said an entire phrase at the same time.

That used to happen all the time, it would freak out our parents, friends, teachers, even us. After things ended, that didn't happen for a while. But when we said that one phrase, we both just burst out laughing, tried to say

"well I'm glad that will never change" and started laughing again because we had said it at the same time again.

and now for some more pictures!

Probably a 3rd of all the letters I still have from him, along with all the odd gifts, the heart shaped stone (which he carved) a peppermint candle carved into a heart and a J (my favorite) and the millions of little drawings he would make for me

Wow, I thought I would be able to finish this all up in one post, but I guess not...

I guess I had too much good to say when I forgot about the bad.

I'm assuming I'll have just as much to say about my other past relationships.

Next few posts will go in chronological order.

In a way, I love looking back on everything I loved about each and every one of them.

It makes it seem as if nothing bad ever happened and that they will always remain extravagant, all in their own unique ways.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Finally! 

A break!

A Winter Break!

Where I can sleep in, clean, create, laugh, and be mostly stress free.
Last night was one of the first nights I had been out and about in a very long time.

I wasn't going to go out; my anxiety was starting to become too much for me to handle.

But then I had my new friend talk to me and talk me through my anxiety.

Some people just click in helping each other

and for the past couple of weeks, she has been my savior, my light at the end of the tunnel when my Pup can't be there
(which is something he is extremely happy about, I hope a bit of weight has been taken off his shoulders)

After some events that were too dramatic for my taste, she sent me a message that made me cry.

"Hey Jessica, Gosh I don't know where to begin  I had a really sad dream about you last night...you were so upset, and there was this darkness around you..I was standing in front of you, and suddenly out of nowhere, this big beautiful blue butterfly flew in my face and got caught in my bangs and then just idled there, tangled in my hair, but somehow it seemed content. We started to giggle and were so amazed at the randomness! (probably influenced by how we met haha) So as the butterfly was just chillen in my hair, you started to take pictures of it and your aura started to glow bright white, then you had this big beautiful smile in the end.. I found this interpretation of a butterfly on dreammoods.com Butterfly 

To see a butterfly in your dream denotes your need to settle down.�Butterflies signify creativity, romance, joy and spirituality. You may be experiencing a transformation into a new way of thinking.�Or you may be undergoing a transitional phase. Consider the term "social butterfly" to describe someone who is popular and outgoing. Does this describe you? Perhaps you need to be more outgoing. Alternatively, the butterfly is symbolic of longevity Idk where I'm really going with all of this or why I feel compelled to express how I feel verbatim. I just think there's something bigger than you and I can comprehend just yet....

 I gather from the coincidentall and remarkable prospect we have to look forward to has the potential to be extroadinary and unique. After you told me that your ex left some of your belongings at your doorstep, I immediately felt my past hit me like a ton of bricks  I know what it's like going through that Jess, and I'm sorry it brought you down so low  We have what seems like so much in common and have been through many similar experiences, and I just want you to know that if you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to come to me. I know we don't know each other that well at all, but for some reason, a part of me feels like I should be a protector. I hate seeing such a beauty be shattered with sadness and confusion. And a friend, because we have such a great chemistry and I can tell you are a genuine soul.

You are such a beautiful person Jessica, and you deserve nothing but the best. You are a genuine and kind woman and you have had your fair share of devestating experiences but still manage to bear a smile and keep trying. I have a strong feeling that deep down inside you are a lot like me...I didn't have the best relationships with my family members as I sort of explained to you, and it really has effected me negatively. I've only been able to deal with it and somehow overcome it all, even when people outside my family have hurt me and damaged my spirit. But it took me many years, and many tears. I've been depressed, suicidal, angry, violent, the list goes on.... Wow, I really have opend up..eek! But I just feel like I can tell you anything, and you can identify and not judge me. *hugs* I hope I am not overwhelming you with all of this. I was just really down because you were and then the dream, and then my mind just...goes...lol i tend to overthink and analyze wayyyy too much, but sometimes I like to. Anyway hun I hope you're okay, and if you need time and space, I completely understand.. "

After all the anxiety, she reminded me of the butterfly that she dreamed of and gently gave me a push in the right direction, saying that I needed to go out and just have fun.

And so I did.

And nothing could have brought me down and nothing did bring me down.

I haven't danced like that in years, and most of the time that dancing was just me by myself in my room listening to music.
They even threw me in the middle of a dance circle at one point  and for once I felt perfectly confident to just 

"Go for it"
Granted there was some *cough* liquid courage *cough* involved,

but by the time we even got into the bar, I was sober.
Cairn really brought me out of my shell that night and showed the world a person that is always there, but just not confident enough in herself to come out.

It takes a special type of person to do something like that I think

(and of course she's a bit "odd and out there", having been a go-go dancer for the bar for a few years)

We danced, cuddled for warmth, talked to the people she knew there and best of all, we just didn't stop laughing.
All my life, I have felt extremely uncomfortable with having close friends who are girls.

"chicks follow dicks"

as my best friend so eloquently put it, stating that most girls will sub-consciously defend a guy she's fucking before she defends the best girl friend she's known for years

or not even a guy she's fucking, but moreso just any guy with whom she has some slight feeling towards  and sell out all the rest; all the rest of us who had been supportive and loving.

As my close friend Sammi and I sat in front of the fireplace, watching a spider's every move, and just ranting and talking about how stupid life can be and how stupid the people in it are sometimes

I realized that the truth in her words, meant that she would never sell me out or let  harmful things be said of me.

This chick follows no dick! Haha.

She always follows what she thinks is right, and is always filled with nothing but good intention for everyone.
She left saying 

"This was like therapy! We have to do it more often"

And I couldn't agree more.
I don't know why it clicked for me just the other night out of the year and a half we have known each other,

but our brains do run along the same wavelength in many issues, insecurities, and views of the world.

I think it may be because she and I have for the most part, never sat down with each other and just talked

without anyone else involved

and especially, without any guys involved.

As I was talking to my best friend Edie, the next night

(whom I know has always been NOT your average girl)

She very dutifully reminded me of the Psychic Vampires discussed in the Satanic bible and how they only live with longevity if you provide them with their life source.
She gives me strength in the most unusual of words and logic.
You should be a nice person, but you shouldn't always provide people with what they want if it will only cause harm to yourself.
She became a bit frustrated though, with not understanding how I let so many people just walk over me.

Quite frankly, I don't understand it myself.

Sacrificial lamb complex I suppose.
I'll sacrifice my good feelings and happiness for your happiness

but she really pointed out to me that only provides fuel to the fire for negative empaths and psychic vampires, and provides me with shortened longevity in friendships and relationships.
And then there's Cairn. 

The combination of these girls' advice this past couple of weeks really clicked for me and came together last night while I was dancing my heart out.
I think they collectively gave me the strength to just be happy for once, and not worry about problems that really don't involve me anymore.

Sammi, Edie, and Cairn

these chicks follow no dicks haha

They are the only girls I know to truly fight like one

and these strong girlies are teaching me how to go down fighting like one too
<3