Thoughts

Given recent circumstances,

I am feeling forced to remember what happened to me when I was 17
87 pounds, suicidal, mental breakdown.

It had followed a couple of months after my relationship went down the drain.

He was everything to me, and I couldn't picture life without the dreams we had made together.

He had promised me that if I ever ended up in the hospital, that he would visit.

He did not.

It was the most destructive blow I had ever taken.

It made me hate him, hate myself, and quite honestly, it made me never want to see him again.

I wonder what his thoughts were...

Looking back on it,

I was a handful to deal with.

I was extremely needy, sent him emails that would harass him, I would beg and beg and beg for him to take me back.

I would pretend I was making progress in my mental well-being, and then lash out when he didn't believe me.

Endless calls, texts, and general harassment.

(hmmm....that sounds familiar)
I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone, 

the feeling of true abandonment, being left to rot and die.

But now I wonder, did he know it would end my clingyness? My harassing ways? My sheer dependence on a person?

What would have happened if he did visit?

It probably would have started all over.

I thought of him so highly, that if I saw him again, a flame of hope that wasn't actually there would have been lit.

I don't think I would have stopped my ways.

I don't think I would have become stronger, or independent, or have learned the lessons I did while I was in the hospital.

In a grand way, I am glad he didn't visit. I didn't know it then but years after, I realize that it was my lowered respect for someone I thought so highly of that challenged me to survive. I gained my love and respect back of him later on, and now, it's as if that whole incident never really happened. I became the person he was waiting for me to be.

We are great friends, and we always fiddle with the idea of something more. Who knows what will happen with time.

As ironic and cruel as it is, the roles have been switched on me.  

I wouldn't wish that horrible feeling on anyone, to be left for dead, but it made me become the person everyone knew I was on the inside, so would it work on someone else?

Would I be making a grand mistake by visiting and somehow re-starting a cycle that could be deadly to said person?
Would this person even have the same reaction if I didn't visit?
Would it make him stronger, to get by completely on his own, or would it make him bitter and vengeful, like I have so often seen him become?

I can't help but feel partially responsible.

At the same time though, I have no way of contact.

I no longer have the house number, and all contacts have been blocked by my family on our phone service.
I suppose one of the only ways would be if he were to contact me through the hospital phones.

I know he probably won't,

but it would be nice to be reassured that he is at least going to be okay.

Better Off

Happy Holidays and all that good stuff!

The holidays have always been an odd time of the year for me.

In years past I have felt like the black sheep of the family;

I was socially awkward, quiet, and no one was ever quite sure of what to get me, so I often got gifts from family members that were meant to influence me to dress differently.
Although I am more open-minded and try not to wear so much black nowadays, I never was, or ever will wear something from Abercrombie. Haha. 

So for once, my family was dead on with my changing style this year haha

but that's not the thing I am most happy about.

This year, I genuinely feel like a better person, and I feel like I don't have anyone holding me down.

I participated in games with my family, and talked, and genuinely got along with my extended family.

I never did before, mainly because they are all very latin, and well....my mom and I are extremely white-washed haha.

Notice the skin tone difference? Haha

This winter vacation hasn't been the most productive, but it has been really fun.

I feel as if my friends and I have just become BETTER friends after there was some exclusion of drama causing factors from our lives.

Sometimes you just have to, especially if you know that nothing you do or say will make things better, and will probably just make things worse.

A person can keep fighting for something but if giving up makes both parties happier in the long run, and this is something you know FOR SURE, well then, we are all fucking idiots for not giving up sooner haha.
Sometimes giving up makes you feel like the king of the world, sometimes getting to the finish line ruins your life.

Either way, I am happier this time around during the Holidays.

I have my friends

Like Super Modelesque Sammi here, and her accidental "I'm better than you" pose haha

She is my wesbian, that is all.

and my beautiful mommy on the right, who's asianess shows when she is laughing haha.

I have my wonderful co-workers who I get to mess around with and play pranks on.

I am especially grateful to be working with them and for a company where I make about 1,300 a month (WOOT)

They've basically become my new extended family.

This was at the holiday party we had in the back room, it was a dessert potluck!

Oh god.....

This guy right here. Hahaha I just noticed his face.

and then Amy with her utensils in her mouth haha

Anyhow. I plan to be working with the company all throughout school. It's hard work but I know I can pull it off.

Which brings me to another thing I am grateful for.

The strength I've developed as a person.

If this year had happened when I was in my early highschool years,

I would have been pushed around, and not have been able to handle some of the things that have happened this year.

But now I'm strong enough to stand up for what I believe in, not what others believe in,

and also have gained the ability to limit myself when it is necessary.
I still have a long way to go, as does everyone else, since we are creatures who are constantly learning, but my family has told me how proud they are of me for all that I've accomplished this past year. 

I have a lot to be proud of that has happened. 

I bought my own car with my own money, without any help.

I maintained over a 3.7 even while working 40 hours a week

I got people Christmas gifts that I knew they would like! I loved that feeling. I finally felt like I wasn't so broke and that I could afford to buy people things that they would like. 

I've taken more time out of my busy schedule for my family, AND for my friends, which was the best move ever. I don't care if I procrastinate, I know I will get it done because I have to, but seeing my friends in between really takes my mind off of stress, which is a really hard thing to do for me. I seem to always be caught up in due dates and end up putting my social life on the backburner, but I've found a good balancing point and that is something I can be proud of because I've never been able to accomplish that before.

I've made around 500 in sales with my jewelry (still can't say that word though -_-)

and I feel as if I can more wholly embrace myself and who I am

me looking super 80's and lesbian-ish haha

2 girls have given me their numbers with my new found confidence...yes I am bragging hahaha

wow this was kind of all over the place. My mind does indeed wander. 

But! A shout out to a good friend! You know who you are!

 because you gave me these! A beautiful steampunk key! And PIRATE underwear!

Along with a very pretty glittery rose and a sticker from one of the lovely crumpets!

Thank-you! I hope your gifts come in the mail soon!

Anyhow, happy holidays! 

I'm going to go enjoy some holiday candy!

<3

Sexuality, again? (part II) (also a delay in the ex topic posts)

She kissed me that night.

She walked with me up to the steps of my house, hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, then looked into my eyes and kissed my lips.

My lipstick was blended with hers, a beautiful reddish-purple; slightly smeared and warm.

She grabbed my hand, giggled, and said sorry.

I asked her for what.

She said for stealing a kiss from me.

I smiled, kissed her on the cheek and told her I would have eventually if she hadn't. 

I wanted to invite her in, and I could tell that she felt torn and wanted to be invited in, but with the family home, and her friend waiting in the car, it simply wasn't an option. 

I wonder what would have happened that night if the situation was slightly different. 

Would she have pushed her body against mine, eager for warmth? Eager for satisfaction?
Or would have things simply fallen flat? An excited burst of carbonation suddenly gone listless.
I felt slightly relieved that she needed to go home, not because I didn't want her there, but because I was afraid of that awkward plateau of "there's something not right here"

Why am I so afraid?

How can others seem to embrace themselves so fully, but I feel like I could never make the first move if my life depended on it.

It's not as if the passion for it isn't there.

This girl, that girl, I constantly am enraptured by their beauty. 

Mostly, I think it is the fear of inadequacy.

With men, I can confidently say "I am not that pretty, but I know I am more attractive than you"

because it's a male, and in general, I don't find males along with their awkward anatomy attractive.

With a girl though, the constant thought is....

"How can she find me attractive? She is SO much prettier than I? What if she finds something about my body she thinks is unnattractive? Would she leave me dry, knowing that physically, she wins this contest?"

...so on and so forth. 

I can be confident with males. I am a woman, if they like the face, there isn't too much they are going to be picky about once I take my clothes off.

Women are so much different it seems.

It isn't as if I have been rejected for physical reasons, but perhaps it is because I know if I were to be, that would be the biggest blow to any sort of self-esteem I have, simply because there is a very wide variety of women that I find attractive.

I think most girls are insanely beautiful, and of course I have my preferences, but there is such a high respect for the elegance most girls have that I feel I lack somehow, that rejection once I took my clothes off, would tear me to ribbons.
These things that occupy my mind are odd, irrational even,

but somehow they don't seem to leave me alone.

Perhaps I will find my happy medium someday.

Or find an answer as to how I can be so insanely attracted to girls, yet have no courage.

And then be hardly attracted to guys, put myself through mental hardships for trying so hard, and then still be attracted to the idea of finding "prince charming" even though the sexual attraction hardly exists.

It is just the ease that men put me at mentally that makes me fall....

But I have to force myself to fall; convince myself "this is the way it's supposed to be"

and then trick myself into believing that a good friendships is actually something more.

I'm too busy to date though, or think too hard on these things.

What's meant to be is meant to be, right?
Or is it me who has to make that first move?

 That first move that I have always been too frightened to make.

John

John

I will be completely honest!

...I stalked him....

haha 

and that is how John and I had met.

He was the lone wolf in highschool. Always sat by himself, was always reading something and was always sitting in the oddest of places.

On top of the brick wall, laying down, reading a book.

In the middle of the football field, laying down, reading a book.

At the end of a dark hallway, leaning up against the wall, reading a book.

Or! 

He would be pacing back and forth, in costume, with a script in his hand and a wooden sword, practicing his choreography and lines.
He was a theater nerd and I loved it. He could quote practically anything from Shakespeare, which I will admit, just made me swoon more.
Never girl shy on stage, but would always turn bright red off stage when complimented by a pretty girl.
He was 5'11, dyed his hair dark blue, had hazel eyes, fantastic teeth, german and irish heritage, a naturally muscular build and a bass/baritone voice

*le swooooon*
and could sing with that voice of his!

* le more swoooooooooon*

After a couple of weeks of discovering all his hiding places on campus, he caught on, and started stalking me.
It developed into a really cute and innocent relationship.

I loved how we were on the same level intellectually (when it came to literature at least) so we could openly challenge each other and be competitive in many aspects.

It was a calm relationship.

No drama, just cuddling, nuzzling each other's faces with our noses and lots of video games haha.

I actually miss how cute he got when he would be losing at a first person shooter game against me.

He would do something annoying yet cute, like tickle me, or throw something across the room randomly to distract me, or just stand up, scoot over, and sit on top of me -_-

I loved how we never had a sexual relationship, simply because I knew I wasn't ready after Jake, and he was respectful enough to not try anything sly with me.
I was a very nervous and paranoid girl in high school, and before senior year, I had never attended a school dance or event.

But John took me to my first, (oddly enough, the lone wolf had been to more dances than I had)
It was a fantastic night, one that I will never forget. Surprisingly, he was a good slow dancer and we danced under black lights in a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory themed homecoming.

Wow, we were cute, haha. And now I miss my long hair T_T

I loved that he had a passion for theater, and I love the fact that he is now pursuing police work because he wants to be a detective.

I loved that everyone thought he was the kid that would end up blowing up the school haha

I absolutely adored his patience and the way he was with some of his only friends...which were the little kids he would mentor in his acting classes he would take outside of school. He was their hero, and it was adorable.
For as much swooning that was going on, (and still does go on whenever I think about his voice! *le swoon*) the relationship itself didn't last very long.
There were so many traits that I admired about him though, and these traits I wish to find in someone else someday. 

I think of him fondly, and will always affectionately refer to him as "Wolfie"

All in the past

When I look back on my past, I often think of the negative.

scars can fade but never completely.

But today I was thinking of all the positive that I have had happen in my life.
Specifically, the positive memories that I have gained out of the relationships I have been in.

Jake

John

David

Jay

They all ended because of negative things in this world, but some things are meant to be and some things aren't.
What was meant to be was all the happy memories I had with each one of them.

Jake

I started dating Jakub when I was 13, he was 16. We went to the same school and were completely and utterly in love.
I dated him for 4 years.
He was my first.

I genuinely thought I would marry him, and we would stay up talking on the phone until 3 in the morning talking about our future, our kids names, our wedding, our dreams together, only to get up early to see each other the next day.

I remember that at one point, we had gone 3 months seeing each other every day. 

We went to school together, we went to church together and we would hang out on Saturdays.
He had a genuinely unique way of seeing the world, and still to this day, I have not met a single person who saw the world the way he did.
He found a glass heart pendant on the ground once during school, ran up to me going "LOOK! LOOK AT IT!....there's an angel wing....right THERE!"
Of course I didn't see it, I just saw a swirl of colors.
But he pointed to it again and described a beautiful scenery where the angel was lost and trying to find it's way back home...it was spreading it's wings, ready to fly"
And then I saw it, and it was beautiful.

It was as if he painted a portrait right in front of my eyes, and I would have never seen it if he didn't view the world the way he did.
He then opened my hand and placed that small glass pendant in my hand and closed it.

He looked up and said

"You keep it, something so beautiful only deserves a home with someone equal in its beauty"
These small gifts meant more to me than any money could buy simply because of the lesson he taught me with it. 

There is beauty in everything, you just have to look at it with a trained eye.

He was always so strange, but I loved that about him and still do.
Whenever I need to relax, I still go back and look through all his little drawings and love letters to me.
One reads:
"Dearest Love, 

Fear no more that I am lost. Rest surely within our dreams in delight that I've not, nor will ever leave your side, not for even the slightest moment. Your beauty that so lightens the world was something so surpassing of even my own imagination that I felt I could still not marvel enough if I were given the chance to gaze an eternity. Please forgive this foolish poet, for so awestruck was I that I unintentionally lost my place within this chapter so rightfully known as the present. My Father's not yet ceased to scold me in my selfish act, but oh how I delight in it, for how true it is said that one must have chaos to gain power and I feel my mind ever increasingly becoming that which once held its position within my head. I feel as though a grand debt of gratitude is owed for having been so careless of myself, and putting such a fair angel through such trying and burdening thymes. Let it be known that henceforth I shall not act upon my overbearing flaws to remain that young boy who so entranced you at a mere gaze.

With ever growing love,

Jakub"

Which he ended by signing in blood. It was a small burden that he acted out on, but once that letter was given to me, that small flaw never came up again in argument. He kept his promises, more than anyone I have ever known.

And he did put me in a trance at just a mere gaze. I remember we had a math class together...I was crying on the first day, and he passed me a letter, folded into the shape of a house.

but when opened was found this version of the house. One filled with demons and hate. 

 Inside the house he had written to me not to bare so much emotional weight on my shoulders. That he was there and always would be there for me talk to. That he could tell there was too much I was hiding, and that he wanted to help me.

(in his own words of course)

I didn't even know who he was but I looked over at him and was caught up in something beyond anything I ever knew.

He will forever have me in his grasp because he was the first love I ever had.

The plans and dreams that we had together will never die, because I know these first ones, the ones that existed before everyone else, will always be the most special to me.

I am the person I am today because of him, and he is the person he is today because of me.

And although things didn't work out, the other night when we were on the phone together, we said an entire phrase at the same time.

That used to happen all the time, it would freak out our parents, friends, teachers, even us. After things ended, that didn't happen for a while. But when we said that one phrase, we both just burst out laughing, tried to say

"well I'm glad that will never change" and started laughing again because we had said it at the same time again.

and now for some more pictures!

Probably a 3rd of all the letters I still have from him, along with all the odd gifts, the heart shaped stone (which he carved) a peppermint candle carved into a heart and a J (my favorite) and the millions of little drawings he would make for me

Wow, I thought I would be able to finish this all up in one post, but I guess not...

I guess I had too much good to say when I forgot about the bad.

I'm assuming I'll have just as much to say about my other past relationships.

Next few posts will go in chronological order.

In a way, I love looking back on everything I loved about each and every one of them.

It makes it seem as if nothing bad ever happened and that they will always remain extravagant, all in their own unique ways.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Finally! 

A break!

A Winter Break!

Where I can sleep in, clean, create, laugh, and be mostly stress free.
Last night was one of the first nights I had been out and about in a very long time.

I wasn't going to go out; my anxiety was starting to become too much for me to handle.

But then I had my new friend talk to me and talk me through my anxiety.

Some people just click in helping each other

and for the past couple of weeks, she has been my savior, my light at the end of the tunnel when my Pup can't be there
(which is something he is extremely happy about, I hope a bit of weight has been taken off his shoulders)

After some events that were too dramatic for my taste, she sent me a message that made me cry.

"Hey Jessica, Gosh I don't know where to begin  I had a really sad dream about you last night...you were so upset, and there was this darkness around you..I was standing in front of you, and suddenly out of nowhere, this big beautiful blue butterfly flew in my face and got caught in my bangs and then just idled there, tangled in my hair, but somehow it seemed content. We started to giggle and were so amazed at the randomness! (probably influenced by how we met haha) So as the butterfly was just chillen in my hair, you started to take pictures of it and your aura started to glow bright white, then you had this big beautiful smile in the end.. I found this interpretation of a butterfly on dreammoods.com Butterfly 

To see a butterfly in your dream denotes your need to settle down.�Butterflies signify creativity, romance, joy and spirituality. You may be experiencing a transformation into a new way of thinking.�Or you may be undergoing a transitional phase. Consider the term "social butterfly" to describe someone who is popular and outgoing. Does this describe you? Perhaps you need to be more outgoing. Alternatively, the butterfly is symbolic of longevity Idk where I'm really going with all of this or why I feel compelled to express how I feel verbatim. I just think there's something bigger than you and I can comprehend just yet....

 I gather from the coincidentall and remarkable prospect we have to look forward to has the potential to be extroadinary and unique. After you told me that your ex left some of your belongings at your doorstep, I immediately felt my past hit me like a ton of bricks  I know what it's like going through that Jess, and I'm sorry it brought you down so low  We have what seems like so much in common and have been through many similar experiences, and I just want you to know that if you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to come to me. I know we don't know each other that well at all, but for some reason, a part of me feels like I should be a protector. I hate seeing such a beauty be shattered with sadness and confusion. And a friend, because we have such a great chemistry and I can tell you are a genuine soul.

You are such a beautiful person Jessica, and you deserve nothing but the best. You are a genuine and kind woman and you have had your fair share of devestating experiences but still manage to bear a smile and keep trying. I have a strong feeling that deep down inside you are a lot like me...I didn't have the best relationships with my family members as I sort of explained to you, and it really has effected me negatively. I've only been able to deal with it and somehow overcome it all, even when people outside my family have hurt me and damaged my spirit. But it took me many years, and many tears. I've been depressed, suicidal, angry, violent, the list goes on.... Wow, I really have opend up..eek! But I just feel like I can tell you anything, and you can identify and not judge me. *hugs* I hope I am not overwhelming you with all of this. I was just really down because you were and then the dream, and then my mind just...goes...lol i tend to overthink and analyze wayyyy too much, but sometimes I like to. Anyway hun I hope you're okay, and if you need time and space, I completely understand.. "

After all the anxiety, she reminded me of the butterfly that she dreamed of and gently gave me a push in the right direction, saying that I needed to go out and just have fun.

And so I did.

And nothing could have brought me down and nothing did bring me down.

I haven't danced like that in years, and most of the time that dancing was just me by myself in my room listening to music.
They even threw me in the middle of a dance circle at one point  and for once I felt perfectly confident to just 

"Go for it"
Granted there was some *cough* liquid courage *cough* involved,

but by the time we even got into the bar, I was sober.
Cairn really brought me out of my shell that night and showed the world a person that is always there, but just not confident enough in herself to come out.

It takes a special type of person to do something like that I think

(and of course she's a bit "odd and out there", having been a go-go dancer for the bar for a few years)

We danced, cuddled for warmth, talked to the people she knew there and best of all, we just didn't stop laughing.
All my life, I have felt extremely uncomfortable with having close friends who are girls.

"chicks follow dicks"

as my best friend so eloquently put it, stating that most girls will sub-consciously defend a guy she's fucking before she defends the best girl friend she's known for years

or not even a guy she's fucking, but moreso just any guy with whom she has some slight feeling towards  and sell out all the rest; all the rest of us who had been supportive and loving.

As my close friend Sammi and I sat in front of the fireplace, watching a spider's every move, and just ranting and talking about how stupid life can be and how stupid the people in it are sometimes

I realized that the truth in her words, meant that she would never sell me out or let  harmful things be said of me.

This chick follows no dick! Haha.

She always follows what she thinks is right, and is always filled with nothing but good intention for everyone.
She left saying 

"This was like therapy! We have to do it more often"

And I couldn't agree more.
I don't know why it clicked for me just the other night out of the year and a half we have known each other,

but our brains do run along the same wavelength in many issues, insecurities, and views of the world.

I think it may be because she and I have for the most part, never sat down with each other and just talked

without anyone else involved

and especially, without any guys involved.

As I was talking to my best friend Edie, the next night

(whom I know has always been NOT your average girl)

She very dutifully reminded me of the Psychic Vampires discussed in the Satanic bible and how they only live with longevity if you provide them with their life source.
She gives me strength in the most unusual of words and logic.
You should be a nice person, but you shouldn't always provide people with what they want if it will only cause harm to yourself.
She became a bit frustrated though, with not understanding how I let so many people just walk over me.

Quite frankly, I don't understand it myself.

Sacrificial lamb complex I suppose.
I'll sacrifice my good feelings and happiness for your happiness

but she really pointed out to me that only provides fuel to the fire for negative empaths and psychic vampires, and provides me with shortened longevity in friendships and relationships.
And then there's Cairn. 

The combination of these girls' advice this past couple of weeks really clicked for me and came together last night while I was dancing my heart out.
I think they collectively gave me the strength to just be happy for once, and not worry about problems that really don't involve me anymore.

Sammi, Edie, and Cairn

these chicks follow no dicks haha

They are the only girls I know to truly fight like one

and these strong girlies are teaching me how to go down fighting like one too
<3

A Powerful Happiness

I haven't written anything in such a long time.
I should have, I could have used the venting technique to help me along a rather painful couple of months

For once though,
I feel no weight, and I feel like all I was hiding was set free,

and I finally feel like I can be myself again.

Nothing can be all positive though.
I feel as if everyone else's lives are starting to rip at the seams as I am just sewing up my own wounds

life, life, life

It seems to happen at the most unexpected times.
But I am a good listener, and I am willing to listen
if even just to vent, or to complain, or to tell someone the things you have been meaning to get out.
When there isn't someone bringing me down in my emotions, I feel as if I can bring others up
the friends that I had ignored throughout many of my relationships,
I feel them coming back to me and they are as familiar as ever.
Just wanted to say that I am here for my girls,
they are really the only people that I should give my everything to.
<3

Always

It's always at the times you need people around the most that you shut most of them out
Or is that just me?
Probably just me.
Is it their worth, or is it your own worth that you are measuring in order to shut people out?
(have you ever noticed that when a situation becomes uncomfortable for any person, you stop using "I" and start using "you", as if it were a hypothetical situation? Human instinct I guess)

Anyways.
The general respect I have been getting from people as of late is lacking.
Do you really think that just because you don't say it in my presence, means that I don't hear it?
Unfortunately, I hear everything.
Lexie, Lexie, Lexie.
She acted just like that.
Held no moral weight for her words, her actions, and how they affected other people.
All that really mattered was her enjoyment in the moment,
and never how that enjoyment affected her friends, her family, her outward image;
I've never understood how a person could just not care about any of that.
Trust, trust, trust.
How are you supposed to trust anyone, when everyone is genuinely interested in their own well being and nothing else?
You can't blame them,
but you don't like it either.
So what is one supposed to do when there are words both said and unsaid,
that points favoritism in a direction
(that is neither fair, nor unfair)
but still gives off general ideas of whom should be used for what.
Both images of a person, used for sexual purposes
(what else are people for of course?)
But one more than the other.
One image, genuinely used for conversation, for the release of emotions, for feelings and of course the occasional release of invading sexual frustrations,
can arguably become no longer an image, but a tangible, living breathing thing.
The other image though, hard to get close to, always seeming like the bad guy,
is an image used for the sake of releasing sexual fantasies and nothing more.
These two images are one and the same,
so how is it that one can be treated so differently?
The chicken or the egg.
The chicken or the egg.
Treated like nothing but a sexual object, so a close off from the world results?
Or just so closed off from the world that no one can view this "thing"
as more than just an image?
Which came first. Which came first. Which came first.
Just an image.
Just an image.
Just an image.

I just can't think anymore.
The poetry I used to love to write stopped flowing.
One of my few outlets has abandoned me.
I had my Rhyme and my Reason,
But now I have neither....
I have my old hospital bracelet in my hand.
It's practically an antique at this point.
Only the last few letters of my name haven't faded,
Along with the dreadful name of my poison.

Box cutters, box cutters box cutters.

Constantly in my possession.
I would think it ironic if I were to die by the blade my work provided me.
Such a sign of hope, an era of living out of financial hardship while attending school.
But still....such a temptation.
In the end it is kind of funny though.
Everything is just a laughing matter in the end....

Words, words, words, words.
Nothing hurts more than those dreadful things right now.
Runner up is being physically touched.
Another ironic thing.
All I ever wanted was to be held when I was younger,
Now all I want is to be left out of physical contact with anyone.
It opens the flood gates.
It hurts. All it does it hurt.
Al they ever do is hurt.

Be myself?
I've trained myself for a long time to do the opposite.
I would carry a knife on me at all times.
I would kick and spit on my boyfriends.
I broke an ex's nose once...
There was no allowance for having friends that were girls.
Kick and scream, threaten, kick and scream,
Until all their friends were gone.
Physical fights were a daily thing,
The funny thing is....
I only feel that type of rage with the guys I fall in love with.
Damn my head.
Good for nothing, good for nothing, good for nothing.
I don't think anyone wants a girlfriend who will slap or punch them for no reason.
It's just impulsive, and although I've trained myself, not to do it,
The feelings remain the same.

It's disgusting how honest I am being.
It's disgusting how I want them to hit me so I can hit them back...

I'm sitting here. Thinking. Thinking of what is to happen to me.
Even in my busiest days, when I have no thoughts left to occupy myself with, there you are; just a ghost in my life.
Awake. Wide awake.
Once again, I hate being touched. It hurts, unbearably. It's backstabbing affection.
A drink? Maybe two? No...I can't even touch the poison, I can't even find the strength to put it to my lips.
I remember. I remember. I remember.
I can't even imagine. No. I won't imagine, it is too heartbreaking.
You are wandering the streets, alone, with no home, a dying body, and no friendly face.
Can I do anything about it, no, because I don't know where you are.
The suffering I saw you endure, I cannot even imagine how much it has escalated in your poor health.
I watched you, cough up the rotting blood from your lungs.
I watched you, as you spat teeth out as they were rotting, infecting your face, making it swollen and horrible.
I watched you, pull out small specks of cancer and cry and scream as you carved them out of your arms.
I watched you, as you would pass out from the relentless dry heaves that would leave you with your rotting face over the toilet, screaming in agony.
Sometimes you would pass out in the shower, sometimes for so long when I was young, that I had no choice but to urinate on myself.
You compared me to the likeness of a cat, and told me that I had to use the litter box from now on.
You told me that the only sound I was allowed to make was a "meow"
You passed out again, but this time locked us in. Forcing us to drink from a toilet. Before the sun came up. And long after the sun went down.
You sat me on a couch, wouldn't let me leave, your horrible swollen face just a couple of inches left from mine, and a tight grip on both my arms, stench of rotting flesh and alcohol. I wasn't allowed to sell chocolate for my school drill team you said, it was belittling to you for some reason I could not see. I threw the chocolate away and got suspended from school for not being able to pay for it..
You threw my things away, you sold my things, you took all the money from my college funds.
You told me that I was good for nothing, after I had spent an hour putting up Halloween decorations to impress you, to gain your approval, to have a sense of accomplishment.
You then tore them down.
Why then am I still so overwhelmed with the fear of you dying any day now....I can feel it in my everything; my heart, my soul, my bones. Just about everything aches, just about everything wants to escape me, and just about everything is restless and delusional.
Approval. Approval. Approval.
Will anyone really know how bad it got?.....Can I ever really express my fear of losing that chance of approval forever?
I don't even know if you are alive.
I'm stuck between life and death, because I don't know.
I can't decide anything. I can't be sure of anything.
The biggest uncertainty in my life is looming over my head.
Will I only be able to continue when I know for sure?
When I have your death certificate in my hands?
When that chance of approval is over, when I no longer have to be in limbo?

I just don't know....

Sexuality, again?

Once again, a peculiar sort of madness has invaded my head.
Whilst working, I started thinking about my past and how my sexuality had developed and/or the way in which it was discovered.

I began thinking

"Has anyone else experienced the same confused feelings that I did?"
I know I have had quite a few troubles compared to your average person when it comes to knowing their sexuality.
I hope that there are plenty of people who haven't had nearly as much trouble mentally dealing with who they are.
For me, it has been a constant struggle and fear to know that the possibility of falling in love with the same sex is completely there and real

and that it is possible I may have to confront the world, my family and myself if that were to happen.
Being out to your close friends is one thing,

being out to your family and living and breathing in your sexuality is different, unfortunately.I have gone into panic attacks at the thought, and in a time far more confusing than now, have prayed to my dead god to be what I am not, if only for the sake of keeping my life as simple as possible.

I know that I am not a simple person though.

I have tried on for size the label of "straight"
Have had boyfriends tell me that I am,

and have had close friends analyze me and tell me that I am,
even though I knew they were only telling me such a damned lie in order to sooth my conscience.I have even pushed so hard as to get therapists to try to tell me that I am indeed straight, just for the sake of concentrating on other issues besides my sexuality.

(seems logical, right? Tell the girl having identity issues that she's just like the majority of the world so they can move onto the next subject)

But "straight" almost seemed like backtracking.
It always made me feel MORE guilty, claiming that I am just like the majority, especially when most of my stolen breaths have been a result of my child hood next door neighbor and her bright strawberry blonde hair and blue eyes; coming over and swinging on my swings in elegance, while I would timidly stay close to her, but never too close.

And so I want to take a turn in this subject

from dreary to nostalgic.

Even til this day, I cannot say that I have seen a creature as beautiful as my childhood friend.
In the midst of abuse and confusion, I guess it was my time with her that made me realize, that these feelings were no longer being forced upon me, but instead, I was developing my own sense of longing for another.

These feelings have confused me, scarred me, and have lead me into dreary periods of darkness,
but for some reason,
I can look back and remember her bright hair, and feel a bit more relaxed about who/what I am, and stop the worrying for a bit.
I was 9 years old when I realized, and also 9 years old when she left.
I guess in a way I'm wondering, what made it so real for everyone else?
Was there a moment?

A person?

A far off, and recently recollected memory?
How old were you?
Did it confuse you as much as it did me?
Are you like me?

Even while being caught up in a happy, selfless, loving relationship, that side of my questioning never ends.
I am grateful to have someone who supports me in answering my questions the way that he does.

<3

Our Asylum

There is one passage that I cannot stop reading over and over again out of Emilie Autumn's 

The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls
The entire book has a sarcastic tone, but sarcasm is used as a mirror to be held up to reality and oh...
I'll just quote her already so you can see what I mean.
This comes out of a fictional letter from a fictional asylum in the Victorian age, but the things in which she talks about are all based off of historical records of the many horrid things that went on in these asylums, where often times, the only prisoners were women.

"Besides falsehood and treachery, there are reasons enough why any female may be thought insane by the medical community, her family, and society in general. Opposing an arranged marriage, for example, expressing ambivalence towards motherhood, being melancholy after giving birth (or melancholy at all), choosing to follow a differing religious persuasion from her family or husband, being too high-spirited, too low-spirited, mildly disagreeable or simply 'moody', caught exploring her own body, the body of a man who is not her husband, or, God forbid, the body of another girl...any behaviour thought aberrant by the impossibly narrow standards or our day is attributed to the inherent weakness and waywardness of the female gender. But, sisters, never fear! There are many methods by which female 'insanity' can be treated. For example: A girl who engages in intimate relations before she is married, even if such relations are entirely against her will, is branded 'promiscuous' and is thus insane (insanity being the direct cause of promiscuity in women), and yet, a common treatment performed on our girls suffering from fits of what the good [doctors] have termed 'hysterics' is, in fact, forced intercourse, or, as we like to call it, rape. Is there not some irony in this? It is thought that the supposed hysteria emanates from the girl's reproductive organs having nothing useful to do, and, by putting these idle organs to good use, the problem shall be solved and the lady restored to sanity, which would seem perfectly rational

if it were not so utterly absurd."
(page 127)

Autumn's point in all this is, how far have we REALLY come since the Victorian era. 

Yes, the examples she gives are strong, and thought of as being rather extreme compared to what goes on today.

But if you look closer, the underlying ideas have not changed.
"...any behaviour thought aberrant by the impossibly narrow standards or our day..."
This is a sarcastic stab at the modern standards given to us by society.
Before this statements she gives a list of acts that were looked down upon in the Victorian age,
but aren't most, if not all, of those things STILL looked down upon by the majority of society today?
"caught exploring her own body"
I know a few girls who have gotten beat for this simple act in their youth, namely because their families had a strong religious background and decided to beat the sin out of them.
"caught exploring the body of another girl"
I know, many more still, (including myself) who have been chastised, put down, bullied, and cast out by their friends, families, and lovers.
What I find in California, is that there is this mindset that these things don't exist anymore (being out casted for being a lesbian) which is a great reflection on our state's mentality (woooo!) Most of us, just don't care.
But most of America, sadly does. And there are Lesbians who are beaten, killed, and driven to suicide because of this.
Also, I must mention, there are many camps that exist where homosexuals are placed so that they may
"straightafied"
Am I the only one who is horrified by this notion?
"too high-spirited  . . . too low-spirited"
Did you know that out of all the people who take medication for depression, bipolar disorder, etc,
the majority are women?
Not only that, but the majority are women who are not of legal age yet, and are forced onto drugs by their parents?
So yes, being different from your peers, or family, or lover, is just enough to be branded as crazy enough to be put on drugs against your will. Even if what you are feeling (sad, happy, angry, depressed) are all perfectly NORMAL emotions. And in connection to that, has anyone ever seen you be moody, or upset, and then they have the nerve to ask you
is it your time of the month?
People still have this notion in their minds that women are automatically crazy because their sex organs drive them to crazy.
Now combine, is it your time of the month? with, did you take your pills today?
and perfection! You have a double wammy against your emotions, emotions that may have logical, legitimate reasons, emotions that are automatically taken for granted, because it must, MUST, be your hormones making you act this way.
And now on to the bit about rape.
Did you know that a girl is raped in the United States about every two and a half minutes?
And that just goes for all the ones that are reported, which, more than half probably aren't.
What is the usual excuse given?
She was asking for it, someone told me she was easy, she did him, him and him, so she had to do meand believe it or not, I have heard all of these excuses given many times.
There seems to be this thing called, "the rumor effect", in which, if a girl is thought to be promiscuous, then men automatically see her as a target only for sexual activities.
This "promise of promiscuity" seems to be what many guys are after, even if what "promiscuity" translates to is
a fucking history of sexual abuse.
One of my closest friends was thought of as a slut by her own family. Why? because she was raped at 13, she went to one of her only friends, who started spreading rumors about her around the school, and boys ended up sneaking to her window, cat-calling her from the outside, and leaving condoms all over the families yard to make fun of her.
Horrible? Absolutely. Limited to Victorian era where women were thought of as nothing more than property?
Unfortunately not.

I just thought I would post this in order to get people to think a bit.
I know I hadn't seen the relations to today's society in that paragraph the first time I had read it,
but then I read it again,
and again,
and again,
and once more,
and it wasn't until Emilie Autumn had made such a sarcastic stab at the times we live in by writing from the point of view of a fictional character, sentenced to live in an asylum in the Victorian era under these circumstances for attempting suicide,
(which was common back then)
that I realized it wasn't just a story, the entire fictional part of the book is a metaphor for all the things that have happened to her, and all the things she has seen happen
and I wasn't able to put my finger on why this all seemed so damn familiar until the second time reading it.

Our society IS The Asylum For Wayward Victorian Girls.
 
 

Understanding

Oh, hello there dear prince


Supposedly, there's this
Thing
I don't know
I can't have
Patience

Do thorns weigh in heavy on your head?

How are you saying this?
I want those bones to
Shatter
Aren't I subjecting to
This? Why?

Your subjects are waiting to hear

To your power?
Sure, go ahead, take
Advantage
Of my sweet compliance
Docility reigns the white dove

About your wife's execution

Kingdom
Shining so greatly
It is you know,
All because of
You

And the new taxes


That the roses gained their
Thorns
And willingly became
Hostages
For "civility"

....And Your Point Is?

I sit in my sister's computer chair at the moment in a state of listlessness, fog, confusion, and apprehension;

yet, I am well aware of my epiphanies, and my emotional eustress.

A cultivated stem of independent thought is starting to vine around and drain all previous thoughts which were heavily influenced, and even drain the thoughts that were not mine own as well.
It's doubtful that full details can emerge just yet, as they are newly budding after years of fertilization and tedious garden work,
but,
an intense feeling of success is finally welling.
The larger ideas are clear and cold as ice.
Grudges, mental happiness, success in my own terms, not being held down by another,
they are all gathering up in a single file line, waiting to be called upon and complete their duties as full fledged paths, leading me to a higher grace and call than I could have ever previously imagined.
Perhaps it will lead to the demise of all other things that once made me happy, who knows.
Nothing is ever certain.
I am not certain.
You are not certain.
Nothing is forever.
And Murphy's law exists.

"What can go wrong, will go wrong."

But "wrong" is a form of change,
and change brings about new learning experiences along with new ways to discover who you are.
Change is good.
Let change prop it's head up and enter our lives.
Let us strike a match of change to fuel more scattering embers which will set ablaze the forests in which we are lost in.

But let is forever be lost.

An Important Message that Should be Spread, Every day of your Life

Whilst going through the videos of the many people I am subscribed to on Youtube,
I came across this video.
This Youtuber is one whom I have closely followed for a little while now, both on Youtube and on DeviantArt.
A truly beautiful soul, but like with many beautiful souls, there is a painful story which made them who they are today.
This person has fought for equality and spread his message about the importance of acceptance among everyone, despite which community they identify with, despite how they were born, despite how they look, for many years now.
He in fact identifies as being a transgendered individual,
and he is a fantastic and intelligent individual.

I think every one of us has gone through it, that is, being judged by the way we look, instead of being given the chance to prove to others that there is an infinite amount that they cannot see with their eyes.
I, just like many others, was tormented for attempting to express myself.
Locked in bathrooms, food thrown at me, tripped in hallways, threatening notes shoved in my locker,
and why?
Well, I started to wear blue lipstick around campus in the 6th grade as well as pairing up my plain white and blue uniform with fishnets.
But...this cannot ever measure up to the story this individual tells of another.
Because unlike me, who could have simply worn normal clothes and normal makeup, he could have never changed the way he was shaped without agony and expenses.

These horror stories, these judgmental people, and the people who are victimized, are the people we should be more aware of in our daily lives.
I know that sometimes, it is very difficult to not be hypocritical,
but hold your tongue before you judge, because I bet you wouldn't survive a mile in their shoes.

Give Up

I think all of us at one point of our lives or another have been attacked with this feeling.
"Just give up"

Whether we want to give up or not is beside the point.

The problem can be big or small, complicated or simple, but when things become too much for a person

that temptation always starts whispering promises full of seduction for when you do give up.
Lately the feeling of stress has been overwhelming and taking up too much of my time.
I can't sit down at the piano and play, nor can I even uphold a normal conversation.
All the while I am trying to pull myself out of this thinking "What's wrong with you? Do something about it"
Yet my body won't let me.
I feel as though this is what it kinda feels like to be going through a very slow stroke.
I feel as if I am losing control of what I say, or even what I want to say.
My ability to get out bed in the mornings has diminished, and my ability to stay awake during the day is pathetic.
All the while that tempting suggestion is whispering like clockwork.
Every minute, every time I find something difficult, every time I don't want to deal with something.
"Just give up"

The stress is coming from a number of things, both internal and external and it has become too problematic for me to express them all at once.
It feels as if my brain has been scrambled up and served on a platter.
The only thing I even know what to do is go through a daily routine at this point.
Probably the reason why I am trying to write things down.
Even thinking of expressing myself in words is a bit difficult at the moment, but I'm forcing myself to the best I can.
I'm not sure, but I think I have an issue.

Innocent Love

I decided to post this video as the result of a thought from today.
I was listening to a band whom I haven't listened to for a long time and now I realize why.
I could relate back then, to every lyric, to every song, to every emotion.
Now all of it seems childish.

Why is it that even when the situation isn't the greatest, that you still feel so much emotion towards your first love? Why is it that they could treat you horribly, and still you lay at their feet practically worshiping them?
Why is the above song viewed as such an ideal version of love?
Why is that first time, innocent love, is always sought after, even though it ends in being extremely unhealthy for your emotional well-being?

Sometimes I wish that I could feel the way that song describes for another person as I once did.
Such strong emotions, the willingness to give up your life for a person because you "love" them so much.
But now looking back at it, that isn't love. 

Love isn't sacrificing yourself for another.
Many people view Romeo and Juliet as the classic love story,
But it isn't in the slightest, in fact it is categorized as a tragedy.
I no longer understand how people could possibly feel the way this song describes.
To me, that is just stupidity.
Yet,

After our fist loves, don't we all seek out something that felt just as strong, and then attempt to fool ourselves into believing that we feel even more for the people after our first loves?
Why is it that we long to revert into our childish selves?
"Love"

It's a feeling, a great feeling, but more often than not it leads us into hurt and stupidity like my prior relationship did.
After our first loves....I think we are all better off looking for something that is instead, logical.
We know we can't revert back to those childish emotions, so why not journey into future relationships with a logical mindset, because in all honesty

being logical about a situation can cause just as much happiness, without as much hurt.

At least that's how I have come to view it.

Poems

Kill Me


A soft hand, a gentle leap
Breathing solitude, willows weep
Menacing voices, lime lit eyes
Eerily sinking towards demise



Don't Look


She's searching through her pearls again
Counting shiny precious lights
Running from Pandora's faces
"It's lost amongst the laundry whites"
Turn away, she's lost her sight
"Inevitably" he slyly spoke
"Perhaps the cause will not be found?"
Her face in vodka it did soak



These Crimes


Take me down this jagged path
Where I can hold the sin
Sink your shadows into
Gentle thoughts
So we may contemplate
The wrongs and rightless man
Hand in hand
A created world where our love
Will outlast the sand
Storms of our great pretender named
Justice.