Friday, June 17, 2011

Poems

Kill Me


A soft hand, a gentle leap
Breathing solitude, willows weep
Menacing voices, lime lit eyes
Eerily sinking towards demise



Don't Look


She's searching through her pearls again
Counting shiny precious lights
Running from Pandora's faces
"It's lost amongst the laundry whites"
Turn away, she's lost her sight
"Inevitably" he slyly spoke
"Perhaps the cause will not be found?"
Her face in vodka it did soak



These Crimes


Take me down this jagged path
Where I can hold the sin
Sink your shadows into
Gentle thoughts
So we may contemplate
The wrongs and rightless man
Hand in hand
A created world where our love
Will outlast the sand
Storms of our great pretender named
Justice.



Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Baby Bat

A lighter post for today considering I'm in a pretty good mood and wide awake.
So I was going through old pictures of myself and couldn't help but laugh and grimace at the sight of my...
*ahem* Baby-batness *ahem*
We all have to start somewhere!
Unfortunately though, the goth fairy came and sprinkled morbid glitter all over my head a little late.
I see pictures of other so-called "goths" and they looked absolutely gorgeous when they were baby-bats,
while I just looked mismatched and retarded.
I'm glad I came such a long way though.
So today's post is about critiquing some of my old photos.
Very fun and delightful!
(all of the baby-bat photos are from when I was aged 12-13)

So for the first one!

Okay so, can you tell I was fond of purple?
It still remains to be one of my favorite colors, but purple shirt, purple eye-liner, purple lipgloss, purple bow....
A bit too much me thinks.
Luckily you cannot see the bottom half of the photo...purple tights as well.
Hair is bland (granted I wasn't really supposed to dye it at the time) but I have some blonde highlights
Which kinda just added to the mismatched affect since I had a prepsters hair, yet dressed oddly.
Also, I didn't fill in my eyebrows back then with makeup, though I would pluck them really thin... 
which just resulted in hardly visible eyebrows.
The only thing I do give myself kudos on is my wrist cuff.
So in conclusion to this picture
Friends don't let friends look like plums or overly fill their wardrobe with hottopic merchandise

Now off to the second picture!


This one, I would like to say is not quite as bad.
Still have my horrible highlights, but hey look! My first studded choker! Awe how cute.
(Now I have so many that I can't fit them into two jewelry boxes!)
But LOOK.
Horrible horrible horrible TAN.
Don't get me wrong, I think people of any and every color are beautiful but here's the blasphemy in the situation....
I was TRYING to be tan. 
Yup! That's right. The girl who walks around with a parasol and 80 spf sunscreen used to lay on her roof in a bikini!
I know, I know. and I bow my head in shame now. But we live and we learn, and I have learned that a pale complexion looks MUCH better on me.
I do give myself credit for adding a bit of weirdness by making my bangs look a bit spikey, but I hated wearing my hair down at the time, so my hair always looked rather bland.
Also, notice safety pin in my ear? Common Baby-Bat theme. Obsession with safety pins.
I still love safety pins, but there are other pieces of decoration that can be added in order to stylize. Oh how close minded I was back then.

Off to the next photo!


I apologize that this was tilted sideways.
SO. Can you point out what the obvious "don't" here is?
I sure can.
Gothy tears??
This photo is a bit newer than the other old ones.
The other three were from the 6th and 7th grade, while this one is from the beginning of 10th.
This is just after I was allowed to dye my whole head for the first time!
Oh how I loved my long black hair *sigh*
But yes, anyways, a lesson to all baby-bats...
Don't try to pull off the gothy tears unless you're super imaginative and are convinced that you can make it cooler than the photo above.
We all have to start somewhere and practice makes perfect, but atleast don't go out after experimenting with this type of makeup like I did
*facepalm*

And now for the last photo!

Now this is more like it!
Black and white to create ambiance, and get rid of that nasty orange tan look
and pigtails (always a win in my book)
Not much else has changed besides that, but yet, what an improvement.

Okay and now for the improvement picture!

*drum roll*


Ah, there we go! Much better!
Pigtails, of course with non-boring hair
Along with a fishnet shirt that was NOT bought from Hottopic, but instead made from an old pair of leggings.
 A proper choker which I put together myself.
A criss cross patterned corset along with a velvet vest that went half way down to my knees.
Proper "gothy" makeup with fake stitches
and of course, a more pale complexion.

Thankfully, I have come along way in the past 6 years in terms of finding myself and finding what I feel the most comfortable in.
Now if only I could have gone and told my baby-bat self that I looked very, erm....mistmatched or that I was trying too hard.

Oh and look! 
Grown up gothy girl has a gothy boyfriend to match.
Awe how cute.

Once again, I'm gonna get a big
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"
reaction out of him for exposing his pale face all over the interwebs
But hell, I can't help it if this is one of my favorite photos of him!
And besides...He should be proud of this picture considering his baby-bat pictures are much much much worse than mine!

But anyhow, that's my post!

Are there any photos you look back on and just facepalm??









Monday, June 6, 2011

Solitary Confinement

Today
for some reason my childhood popped into my head.
It is something that I usually think about, but today was a bit different.
The difference is in the details.
I am still putting forth my best effort to figure out all the things that happened when I was younger so that I may finally solve the equation of my own mind.
What happened to make me feel this way, what plus what equals this emotion?
Why is there this constant ready to burst feeling inside my brain, and why can't I find the words to express it?
It gave me such a headache today that I was tempted to close my eyes whilst driving and just lay my foot on the gas.
The intent is not for suicide, the intent is to get rid of my headache and that constant "burst" feeling.
Many things invaded my head today, mostly that of my past phobias and anxiety attacks.
What started my thought process was a discussion in class in which I actually screamed and had to leave the room for the rest of the presentation.
The presentation was about technology and privacy and how easy it is to track and watch a person.
These are simple facts, no piece of technology is given to us without a bit of our freedom being taken away,
but what made me react in such a way was the direct presentation of it.

This is a bit hard to explain.
When I was a little girl, I was a natural luddite.
I absolutely feared technology (mostly computers and cameras) out of the fear of "something" watching me.
Whenever something went bump in the night, I would travel around the house very quickly and unplug anything and everything, then run back to my bed and hide under the covers.
Why would a 5 year old fear something like technology?
My fear was so overwhelming in fact that if a computer did something out of the ordinary (like restart suddenly) I would actually run away from it screaming. Even now if I hear a strange noise coming from the computer I will turn it off and put it away.
I was absolutely convinced that I had eyes on me 24/7
(which became especially frightful when my dad would take me to work with him considering he was a photographer and worked with cameras and computers all day long.)
This paranoia really frightened my family because I have an uncle whom dissapeared and was believed to be a paranoid schizophrenic, and a violent one at that.
This phobia lasted a couple of years, and evolved into something else the day my dad lost his business, which was also the day that my mother had to start leaving for work before I got up and getting home after I went to sleep. This put me in a constant state of solitude because my dad's depression worsened, the alcoholic rampages and neglect became more frequent, I had a sister who could not speak at the time, and a mother who I hardly ever saw.
My social interaction with others quickly became zero and stayed at zero for weeks at a time, especially during the summer.

This turn of events lead me from fearing technology because of the "ghosts in the computers"
to fearing my father and his cameras and computers, believing that he was the ghost in the computer.
If my father wasn't neglecting me, I was hiding from him.
There would be times where he would forget about my sister and I (usually during a drunken slumber), and lock us in one part of the house without food or water for most of the day, if not the whole day.
But during the times when he was alright, I would choose to lock myself up in my room for most of the day, hiding because I always felt as if he was watching me using his cameras.
I was convinced that there were cameras in the walls, in the shower, in the lights, everywhere.
I never knew what he was going to do with the supposed recordings, but I constantly had this gut feeling that one of these days, I was going to be raped or killed.

Why?
Why, why, why?
I honestly have no clue. I know that I feared for my life everyday without a reasonable explanation.
There was neglect, yes, and the occasional flying object hitting me, yes, but it was never REALLY abuse, it was never intentional hurt, just the combination of stupidity, anger, depression and recklessness.
Yet, that inexpressible fear still existed, and it was so real to me that sometimes I would try to drown myself in the bathtub knowing (or atleast feeling like I knew) that my father would witness my suicide and hopefully feel guilty about it.




I remember horrible times like these. Where my father would pass out in the only bathroom in the house and I would be forced to "hold it" until I was either writhing on the floor in pain, or until I found a way out of the house and went with the dogs.

Incidents like these and many others continued for a couple of years, due to neglect and fearing my father constantly watching me. Because of this, I developed facial and vocal tics (twitches) from my constant state of anxiety, along with night terrors, panic attacks, and a very long and drawn out eating disorder.
Luckily most of these things are gone now, although I still have the occasional panic attack and my facial and vocal tics will act up when I feel uncomfortable.

I remember him saying something regarding the "mental illness" I was believed to have because of my fear of technology before shit really hit the fan.
It was "She's not sick, she's smart"
Which was something that made me fear him even more after he lost his job and had to be home 24/7
That phrase still rings in my head.

So today, seeing this process of watching a person through a computer made me shake and leave the classroom.
But it wasn't the government or hackers I was really fearing,
It was once again the overwhelming fear of my father keeping track of me wherever I go
(even though he could be long dead by now)
It was something I had almost forgotten about too. Something that I was really willing to leave behind.
But I guess the only thing I can do with this is try my best to think logically and try to keep my paranoia at bay.

Oh my daddy,
What a fucked up little girl you made.