Life is Fantastic....but

There is one HUGE aspect in my personality that bugs me to no end

My paranoia of all things

I get so paranoid about little things that I often times take too many pre-cautious measures in order to prevent them

Then because of that, just end up making things worse.

It is an inevitable pattern in my personality as I have witnessed.

My mind lingers on details too often,

and although this helps me in many situations where I have to think critically

It is not a thought process that should be in your head every second out of every day.

For example.

The now boyfriend figure and I, have been officially together for a little over two weeks

(although we have been "dating" since October)

And things are going wonderfully, as they should considering we are practically the same person.

But then the fears kicks in.

It kicks in every door in my mind and drops like a bowling bowl in my stomach.

Anxiety.

My bones hurt for no reason and I feel the need to curl up in a ball and cry

I am all of a sudden afraid that I will lose him

No evidence backing this presumption up, just afraid that I will inevitably...

Fuck things up.

That my mind is too complex, that I am too much trouble, and that anyone and everyone will eventually give up on me because they cannot take the psychotic tendencies.

Now.

A little note here.

This anxiety attack hit while I was working, and of course I cannot just curl up into a ball and cry, I need something to stabilize my emotions and I need it quickly.

In the past it has been a number of things that snapped me out of it and fast.

Drugs, bulimia, binge eating 20 dollars of vending machine food in 15 minutes, holding my breath and choking myself so that I slightly black out, throwing over desks, biting a person til they bled, picking physical fights to get into, banging my head against a wall, plucking out my eyelashes, biting an entire nail completely off, sewing my fingers together, the list just goes on and on, some of the things a little too personal even for a blog site.

The one thing that always had the quickest results with the best effects though has always been self mutilation.

And so, needing to head back to work in 5 minutes, I take a razor blade to my stomach, 

clean up the mess in the bathroom, 

and head back to work.

The anxiety putters out

I am no longer in physical pain

and I can go back on the work floor smiling asking "How may I help you today?"

Do you see what is wrong with this picture?

It is pure irony.

My mind drives itself to anxiety out of the fear that I am going to do something to mess up or complicate a perfect situation.

And then I get rid of the anxiety by doing something that does indeed have the possibility of messing up or complicating the perfect situation.

I sometimes feel like it is some sort of curse,

because I try to find healthy alternatives.

Have been trying since elementary school.

But nothing has worked

And I get myself back into this same old cycle

this old routine

that always messes things up eventually.

I really want things to be different this time.

And my boyfriend, is starting to give me the hope that it actually can be.

He wasn't mad.

Nor did he think I was an idiot, or impulsive or ignorant.

All he had in him was concern, and held me close and told me

That if this is really a part of me that I cannot change,

then he is ready and willing to accept that.

Who is ready and willing to accept a psycho?

I am slightly stuck between being relieved and being more concerned because I do not want to cause him any pain.

I want to stop this, because life is fantastic right now.

Everything I ever wanted and needed I have because I was willing to go after it.

I need to stop my brain from continously trying to compromise that.

Scared

Personally

I see relationships as messy, unnecessary, futile efforts to not feel alone in this world

In all honesty I think that everyone would be better off without that absolute need to want someone

We would learn so much more, be able to do so much more without someone else consuming our time

We would grow as completely independent people 

Instead of developing un-healthy co dependancy issues like I did.

I grew out of the relationship that destroyed me and am finally moving on.

I found myself happy by myself

I didnt mind the alone time, in fact I much preferred it

Because I was me, completely myself

My own person

I didnt belong to anyone

And I no longer saw a need to.

But you see, now I am scared.

Because in dating someone whom I deeply care about

It is really hard NOT to re-develop that co-dependency

Relationships are a little bit of a drug to me.

The longest I have ever been single since the the 6th grade was just recently,

and my singleness lasted 6 months

In all honesty I was planning for it to last a few years.

But life is life, plans get interrupted, things just plain fuck up!

Don't get me wrong, this change in plans is not a bad thing by any means

But how does one balance life when you have someone you care about so much and never get bored of

and can just talk to hours to about nothing

and no matter what you say,

You know for a fact, that they are never judging you

and supporting you in every decision you make in life

and just want you to be happy no matter what the consequences are.

How do you balance life....with that person?

How do you find time to develop yourself when all you want to do is lay in bed with them all day

just laughing and cuddling, and attempting to keep warm on a winters morning

(even though your hair is still wet from the shower you took together so your practically convulsing)

How does one keep their independent dreams in check?

Often times I think....

"relationships....they are not for me, because I can't prioritize and I have a very bad habit of putting my dreams aside for being around the person I care about"

This time I am trying my absolute best not to fall into that pattern again.

How did I fall so deep down the rabbit hole already?

None of it makes sense

For the longest time I kept this person at a distance,

convincing myself that it was only good for a friendship and nothing further

convincing myself that I was only good for friendships...

The second I let this person in

The walls I tried so hard to build come crumbling down as if they were made out of

Cookies...

COOKIES I TELL YOU!

And he's like....

metaphorical milk

>.O

yeah don't ask.

Anyhow.

I have the feeling that the most horrendous word in the human language may come into play soon

the "L" word

*gasp*

(no, like really, I am gasping for air on this subject)

mainly because once it is said

it cannot be unsaid

and once it is out there in the open

that is when all HELL breaks loose,

Fights start, jealousy, co-dependency

Is such a word really worth all that trouble? I seriously think not.

but then all the chills start rushing up inside me like tidal waves of....whatever the hell it is

and I start to find myself swooning....SWOONING FOR GAWDS SAKE

Dementia_kitty does NOT swoon. 

For anyone, ever.

I don't like this very much, it makes me all naseous with anxiety.

Especially since I swore to myself that I would have a relationship with a girl before I got this deeply involved with another guy.

AND

My zombie friend is coming.

Soon.

And I promised him a date quite a while ago and I have to keep my word

ugh.

I really wish this wasnt so complex.

But when I am with someone I care about so much

The music in my head stops....and there is no static conglomeration of voices for once.

Just calm quietness, I can think, I can feel the world around me, I feel...

Normal

and alive

How am I supposed to ignore that?

I dont think I am going to be able to figure that out.

I think it is going to end up getting worse

Of course this would happen now

The official "dating" someone is a go.

But a little background history.

There has been someone who's been on my mind on and off for the past couple of years now.

Somehow just through instant messengers and texts we were able to connect so well

this silly boy and I.

Then when we were finally able to see eachother on a screen the feelings developed even more.

There are a few main problems with this though.

Although are feelings for eachother are very obvious and pretty consistent....

He was engaged and now is in an "open relationship" because of me

and I feel slightly guilty for that fact.

But also, 

Silly me had to become attracted to someone who lives in New Jersey.

(Mind you, this is the only male that I have EVER truly been attracted to)

He has been claiming that he is moving out of there for as long as I have been interacting with him.

For some reason I got my hopes up for the longest time and after many delays and everything I just sort of started to give up.

To try to put him out of mind.

Because the likeliness of he and I ever getting together, if even for a date,

were pretty slim to none.

Now. Onto this new person.

He is a ghost from the past, a person I did not know very well back in the day when we would walk by eachother every day.

I was in a relationship back then

and he was just well....immature for my tastes ha.

Back then I admit to being a little stuck up and thought the dorky immature jokey type of people were beneath me in a way and did not go out of my way in order to interact with them. Ever.

But as of pretty recently we started talking again by means of the internet.

Funny thing is we did not know who one another were until a few messages back and forth.

You see he has changed pretty drastically in his looks O_o

Now I shall admit that there is a little bit of an attraction there.

I did not want to jump into any sort of relationship so we stayed friends for months.

Now we are "dating"

(although it has yet to become anything seemingly more than a close friendship which I am alright with)

But then OH HEY New Jersey guy texts me this morning going

"Oh hey guess what?!??! i am moving to Cali! See you in three weeks <3"

*facepalm*

I would get into a situation such as this.

Once again my ever racing mind switches between the pros and cons of both persons.

Pros...cons....pros...cons...pros...cons....pros.....cons....pros....cons....pros....cons....

pros...

cons....

pros....

cons....

pros....

cons...

back and forth, back and forth ,back and forth.

And more so than usual so this is really starting to give me a headache.

Am I really so selfish to want both of them close to me without a relationship? 

and then see my interactions with both and base who should get the title of

"I am in a relationship with him"

ugh I feel as if this is starting to become a bit similar to that of a game show

Date the Crazy! Whoever Needs the Most Psychological Help Wins the Girl!

no. haha. but its a funny thought.

Speaking technically.

Jersey guy.

Has a minimum wage job.

Does not go to school.

Is a heavy smoker.

And cannot for the life of him stay in a dedicated relationship for very long from what I have witnessed.

But the attraction is overwhelming.

Ghost from the past.

Enrolled in school,

actually wants to do something with his life.

Has been a fantastic friend.

A little socially inept but hey that can always be fixed with time.

And there is a slight attraction there. But there is just something about him that I am not completely sure of.

As if something is missing and I just dont know what.

Hopefully I am over thinking this.

Because the logical and obvious choice is my ghost from the past.

But only time will tell how any of this turns out. I hope that somehow we all end up happy.

and whats also very strange is that I connect songs to people. And I equally think of both of them in a romantic sense when I hear this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsPqlg36G14

very strange considering I have NEVER connected more than one person to a single song.

Very confusing indeed.

To risk it, or not to risk it? That is the question...

Those of you who have been emotionally trampled on be a relationship that did not work out will understand this

One starts to put up walls

One becomes paranoid of a persons intentions and what their actions consist of once you turn your back.

It becomes harder to let people in, and you start destroying the long friendships you have had

Just because someone hurt you so bad that your trust is a shattered reflection of self.

People you should logically let into your life

Simply cannot be any accepted behind the stone walls after they have been built.

Or perhaps that is just the case with me?

heh I tend to be odd like that

Anyhow. 

The point being is that my emotional response towards attraction

towards the whole butterflies in your stomach when you see someone type of thing is extremely muted and delayed

A person I would most definitely feel this for under normal circumstances.

I find liking as a person,

But not in any other form.

Even though the feelings SHOULD be there and logically speaking

Liking this person SHOULD be "good" for me

I have been single for almost 6 months now. 

And it is ABOUT FREAKING FINALLY that these feeling start coming back for someone

Note: Although I have been single for 6 months my last relationship was more of a "filler" relationship so that my mind could be taken off someone else. So technically speaking I haven't been in a relationship that I would consider serious for about a year now. Nor have I had those types of feelings for a person since well...

The guy I was engaged to for God knows how long.

And although it is a slow process and a very scary process my feelings are starting to show again, and not superficially.

For once im not clinging onto a person for dear life because of not being able to stand the thought of being alone

I really feel as if I have made progress in my individuality because I do not feel like I "need" this new person at all but merely enjoy being around.

I have not found myself absolutely swooning over this person but he has been on my mind more often than not and I think that would be a pretty obvious sign.

Alas,

We are "dating" but of course nothing serious and that has been made all well and clear

I really dont want to feel trapped and he knows that very well and has been very understanding in my complexities which I cannot thank him enough for.

Of course I am not holding very high expectations because I do not want to get my hopes up and end up hurt again.

But I do hope that I can continue feeling less robotic and a little more emotional towards relationships.

I do not know where the hell this is headed but I know it will be chaotic.

In a good way of course

:)