Monday, May 30, 2011

Robert

Little Girl had a father named Robert
He was 6 ft, with dark hair and bright blue eyes
Who always had a bottle in his hand
She never understood why he would cry so much.

She came home from school one day
Candy bars in hand to sell from school
All for a good cause, she liked others like that
But Robert saw a problem with this.

He sat her down on the couch with a bottle in hand
Rant, rant, rant, about how society had wronged him so
He'd smack her on the head when she would try to leave
"Why would you help other people Little Girl when you can't even help me?"

2 hours passed of being held down on the couch by fingernails
The crescent shapes of Robert's nails on her flesh
Matched the rising moon she cried under every night
Little Girl, why were you hurt so?

She never knew why she felt the way she did
Why she was always so sad, and lonely
She thought all fathers were like this
There was never anything wrong with it she thought

Little Girl doesn't like quick gestures still, or yelling, or anger
But she doesn't know where that change happened
What happened to her innocence
Where did Little Girl go?

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Lauren's Brother

Little girl had a friend named Lauren
She had long flowing strawberry blonde hair
They would play all day out in the yard
Lauren had a little brother named Charlie.

They didn't play with him much
He was so much younger than they
And couldn't understand the fun they were having
But Lauren loved her brother...so very much.

Charlie's daddy had a talent for temper fits
Curse this curse that, throw down, break glass
So Charlie wanted to play with his sister and that little girl
If only to have a chance to get away.

Lauren wasn't very happy at home either
She would cry alot because she missed her mommy
But she pretended to be strong the best she could
But no one is strong without food for a week.

Little Girl looked outside her window one morning
An ambulance had woken her up
She saw Lauren with the police woman
And came running outside. It was cold that day.

Lauren wouldn't speak, her hair was all cut off
And her fake daddy was on the ground
Little Girl asked her what's wrong
She looked and said "Where did Charlie go...?"

Friday, May 27, 2011

Fencer

Little Girl had a friend she called Fencer
He didn't like his real name, it was his father's name after all
Fencer and Little Girl loved to play together
He was different from all the other boys.

He taught her how to put on makeup 
And often times would brush her hair when he could get out
He liked to play dress up with her 
And would walk miles away just to do it.

That Little Girl asked him one day
"What are those purple things on your arms?"
He just looked down and continued to eat his lunch
Fencer always went silent when she asked him things like that.

A few days passed and her hair got messy
She sat on the school playground and wondered where he went
He always showed up everyday, even when he walked
Little Girl called Fencer's house and waited 

The next week, Teacher came up to Little Girl
She thought sweet teacher looked worried and wondered
"Does she have something to tell me?"
In a soft voice the teacher spoke, "Where did Fencer go?"

Monday, May 23, 2011

I'm Trying to Keep it Together

But sometimes that is a lot easier said than done.
A bit of a mental breakdown today
(actually still in the middle of it, best time to write, right?)
But I am finding it hard to even describe what I am feeling.
I sat on the shower floor with the water running ice cold for over an hour.
I felt as if I couldn't move.
There were no emotions there. It was almost as if I had been turned off and had no control over myself.
That is the worst feeling of all. I felt absolutely dead and couldn't manage to snap myself out of it.
During the day I felt overly sensitive about some of the things people close to me were saying.
They weren't even meant to be offensive remarks but they affected me in such a way that my heart just sank.
Also committed a couple of acts that I haven't done in a while.
Why am I like this? I thought I was happy.
I REALLY thought for once I was happy. So where the hell is this coming from?!
I find it really hard to keep in my urges long enough so that they suffocate.
Random urges. Out of nowhere.
No one will do anything wrong, yet there is this uncomfortable urge to hit them or pull their hair.
It isn't even an urge with a negative feeling behind it!
It just becomes something that made sense at the time. I can be completely smiling, yet something will break into that and throw in a completely mismatching action to the emotion.
I desperately don't want to hurt the people around me whom I care about.
But there is just that urge to say something horrible to them.
I don't even feel like I'm the one who's doing it.
Sisyphus.
I just want to give up.
I just want to sleep because I am stressed out beyond belief right now for absolutely no reason.
Why can't I be normal for once?
I have had people tell me that I am no different from everyone else; that everyone else feels the way I do too.
I'm sorry but that is fucking bullshit.
I hardly think that most of the population sits in an ice cold shower for an hour not thinking anything.
And then when a thought does come, its consists of
"I wasn't meant for this body. It isn't mine. I stole it somehow. My selfish soul managed to steal whatever humanity this person had left in this capsule and kick them out. Now they are out wandering without a home. I don't deserve this. This isn't mine. How do I get rid of me?
How do I give this body back?"
I have this gut wrenching feeling that I am this horrible monster.
Perhaps thats why I always get so bored with how I look and want to change it all the time, and drastically.
I am afraid of what I would do with the funds if I had them, because I know I wouldn't look like me for very long.
Perhaps thats why. Maybe I get so bored with how I look because I'm trying to hide something. 
I'm trying to hide me.
Why am I trying to hide me?
Part of me hates me for stealing this body, and another part of me just keeps asking why why why why.
Fucking Why?
To think, I actually managed to fool myself for a while there into thinking that I actually had a chance at being happy.
But no.
This always comes back without fail.
I just want to give up.
But part of me is battling that too, which just adds to the stress I feel. 
One part of me gets tired and wants to rest, while the other one is handcuffed to the tired one and is on a treadmill.

This monster. What am I? What the fuck am I?




Friday, May 20, 2011

Emotional Attachment

One thing I do not particularly understand is one of the underlying factors that you immediately sign yourself over to when you become emotionally attached to someone.
Misinterpretation happens often.
Suddenly, a person you're close to holds your opinion of yourself in their grasp.
It becomes this hierarchical system where their opinion comes first and your actual honest opinion of yourself comes last.
Because of this hierarchical system, emotions trickle down from your family, then from a significant other, then from a long list of friends, under which your original opinion of yourself is suddenly changed, and often times for the worst.
I say the worst because insults tend to travel a lot farther than compliments when it comes from the people whom you care about.
And then the opinions that you hold of yourself are subjected to this, often times in a manner that is exaggerated.
We can shrug off insults from strangers, and politely say thank you when it is a compliment.
But that isn't so easy when you truly believe that these people know you inside and out, and that they just brought into the light something that you haven't seen before.
Yet another flaw to add to the list.
I can confidently say that I have steel woven skin when insults come from strangers,
but the slightest little poke from someone whom I care about breaks my heart all over again and sends me into hysterics and exaggerated paranoia.
For instance, when I was 11, I was trying to help my father put up Halloween decorations on the front porch, and I was trying my best, out of hopes that I would get a compliment of sorts.
 (considering they were extremely rare)
I forget what I did wrong, but he had said to me
"That doesn't help, you just messed it up"
Which in my mind became distorted and translated to:
"You're useless, you mess everything up, why are you even trying"
It is always the same feeling. Suddenly my bones ached and there was a heavy pain in my chest and a weight was added to my shoulders that I couldn't carry.
I proceeded to cry the rest of the day in my bed which put my into a crying coma
(a very common thing for me when I was young)
and slept 15 hours straight.
The same sort of emotional burden somehow got carried over to all the relationships I have with other people.
All my friends, all my family, everyone I care about, can easily send my spiraling into a depression faster than Emilie Autumn can ask "are you suffering?"
So the question has always been, what do I do?
The only remedy I have ever found included cutting off emotional ties with people.
Which I did for quite a time.
But now I am subjected to this.
And the one thing I do NOT ever want is for people to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me.
I am their friend, not a child and they shouldn't have to worry about me overhearing their opinions.
*sigh*
It's scary when you know people hold that much control over you.
Especially those top three.
Family, best friends, significant others.





Friday, May 6, 2011

The Problem with Sexuality

Just for future reference
Anything written that is NOT in this style
(Meaning that the alignment isn't in the middle but rather from left to right like a regular book)
Will be part of a short story or the collection of short stories that I will be writing.
There are just too many imaginary places in my head for them to not be written down!
Anyhow
This morning an interesting subject came into my mind.
Sexuality or rather, sexual orientation has always been a troubled topic for me.
People who know me well know that if my sexuality could be split up into straight and erm....not so straight?
The it would be split up like this
around 70% not straight
20% straight and 10% asexual
Of course it is kind of ridiculous to split up a person's sexuality into percentages, but I will give an explanation for that.



People who know me, know that I am most identifiable as being "bisexual"
But I honestly don't feel like this is the right explanation; that it is more-so just the label I have been given.
Statisticians say that 1 out of every 5 girls will go through an uncomfortable sexual experience when they are young. This can range from rape and molestation to somebody pushing themselves upon you but very little to nothing actually happening. 
For me it is the latter. 
Before I even knew what sexual attraction was, I had a girl trying to force herself upon me, whom sometimes succeeded.
I can't even fathom the number of times this happened throughout the years.
I was around 5 when this started, and it ended around the time I was 15.
(she was a family friend so she was always around)
She was a very sweet girl and intended no harm, and we always stayed friends, even now we talk once in a while.
But unfortunately it left me very confused.
I sort of felt like my natural sexual preference was stolen from me.
I never felt guilty for the things that happened but I did feel guilty that it was a girl.
I guess you could sort of say that I was raised that this was wrong, and up to this day I feel that my family would be very close minded about it.

My attraction to guys came later.
But it was an odd sort of attraction.
You see, I was always a tom boy growing up, I wrestled with boys, beat them at tetherball, played video games with them, etc etc.
So seeing the opposite sex as attractive sort of came as a shocker to me. It honestly feels a bit more homosexual than straight to like a guy because I always saw them as equal to me.
I knew I always liked girls, even though still today, I feel like that attraction was sort of forced upon me.
It's the guys you play with and hang out with
and the girls you just....play with haha.
So I only started dating guys to start out with because I honestly felt very ashamed of my sexuality.
It was always a "it's supposed to work this way so I may as well get used to it" type of thing, even though I knew that I liked girls.
But heres where the really odd part comes in.
When I was young I developed a sort of distant resentment towards that girl who was forcing herself upon me
At some points I even felt that I hated her.
This is why:
Our conversations were few, we had nothing in common, she liked playing dress up, I liked making mud pies after a rainy day.
Arguably, people say that she was my first relationship, but there was no relationship in it besides what would happen behind closed doors at sleepovers.
She was always a bit of a brat, and got involved with lots of middle school drama, started talking about me behind my back and walah! theres where my "No trust in girls" notion comes from.
After that point I always felt alienated from girls. I liked to look at them, but from that experience I had no idea how to act around them. There were girls I had tried to build a relationship with, but they always miserably failed due to the fact that I could almost never keep up a good conversation with one and even if I could, I couldn't possibly trust them for very long. Just something in me wouldn't let that happen.
But with guys! They were my best friends! I could stay up all night talking to a guy friend and I never got bored or felt left out or ever had any major trust issues with a guy. So logically, the only types of relationships I could ever uphold were heterosexual ones.
Eventually, I found myself becoming attracted to guys, not for their looks but purely for their personality.
I didn't care if they looked "hot" I just wanted a person who would be around whom I could trust and have fun with.
As far as sexual attraction goes though.... I have found that the only guys I have EVER been sexually attracted to, were ones who could confidently wear a corset, wore makeup and had longer than average hair length.
Ding ding ding! Yes that is correct, androgyny!
Ever since I discovered that, I feel that my sexual orientation has become a bit more balanced.
Now there are actually "guy like" features that I find myself attracted to! Oh my.
When I started feeling sexually attracted to anyone, I think I was around the age of 11 and at that point I can say I was 90% attracted to girls
5% attracted to guys
and 5% asexual
(I don't know why but the asexuality stems from the fact where there will be months at a time where I CANNOT bring myself to be attracted to anyone, or even find someone pretty. This happens around every year where I lose all interest in anything sexual. Perhaps it is a hormonal imbalance of sorts.)
Nowadays, I find that there are guys whom I can describe as "hot"
They always have a few things in common though. 
Blue or green eyes
long(ish) hair
tall
facial hair (<-- odd I know)
and as far as attraction to girls goes:
lighter skin tone
HUGE eyes (its a must)
shorter than me, or just generally petite
(curves are beautiful too, but it's just not my preference)
and preferably really dark hair.
freckles are cute too

SO as you can see, my sexuality is a bit more split up then most peoples.
Rather than being one way or the other, it is more of a chance so to speak, considering there are VERY few people whom I am actually attracted to.
There are still times when I feel the urge of having a relationship with a girl, but from past experience I know that they always end badly and I sort of feel that I should accept that the only functional relationship I will have with a person, will be when that person is a guy.
So there it is
70% girls
20% guys
and 10% no one at all
For those of you who don't know me, I am currently in a very well balanced and accepting relationship with a guy 
(who looks damn good in a corset, mind you!)
But then again I wouldn't really say a guy.
More so a lesbian trapped in a guys body, so it works out perfectly!
This would be him getting his head nommed on Emilie Autumn.
She called him beautiful!

Any guy who Emilie can call beautiful is good enough for me!


For those of you who feel like commenting
Ever been confused? How have you coped? Ever looked down upon for being "different"? I know I have.
Who are your top crushes?
I just like input is all
<3

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Canyon of the Mind

         She took a deep breath in, held it within her as if it were her own, then slowly with remorse, let it go in a heavy sigh. Something inside her had said in a whisper "I was never yours to keep". She knew this to be true. She knew many things such as this to be true, but that didn't stop her from asking "Why?".
         "Why....you always ask why" repeated a voice in the distraught tone she was so accustomed to hearing. He always had that tone of voice with her. A tone that was becoming more and more filled with undertones of annoyance rather than genuine worry as the years went by. She began to wonder if he actually started to lose interest in her well-being. That thought alone was enough to keep her up at night and become friendly with the shadows surrounding her.
         "W-what would you do....do if you were in m-my position? Wouldn't it drive you mad? To never...be able to....to never"
         "To never do what?" He quickly snapped at her. "To never live like a normal human being? You're being ridiculous and insensible. What the hell do you think limits you now? Your family? Your friends? Me?" Realizing he had made tears well up in her eyes, he quickly straightened himself up a bit and softened his tone. "You know I am trying my best to understand this... right?"
She vaguely nodded.
"And that it really doesn't help when you break off into these....these....delusions!"
Delusions, delusions delusions. Was it a delusion? Was it something made up? No. She knew that it couldn't be. In her mind she felt that was just as impossible as living forever. Impossible; like keeping her breath forever.
          Staring into his eyes, she bit her lip fiercely in an attempt to keep this connection. It was no use though. It never was. She made note of the face of the clock just behind him, and realized that it was 11:44.
"How can such a beautiful device hold such malice towards me..." she thought. Closing her eyes she felt hot streams pour down her face. She didn't want to open them and see what came next, all she wanted was to sew her eyelids shut forever and sleep.
          "Those eyes are not yours to keep shut and you know that, don't you?"
This new voice startled her, causing her to open her eyes and look around. She judged these new surroundings. It was at the edge of a cliff she stood, and stood very still. Fear can paralyze you when it so pleases, and for this reason her muscles ached the way they do when suddenly forced to keep still, even though everything inside of them wanted to collapse.
"I....I.......w-what...." she tried to speak but it felt as if there wasn't enough blood in her entire body going to her brain.
"Its strange to find you so startled"
The wind on her body seemed to be what was carrying this booming, yet elegant voice that would fade in and out of audibility.
"Everything in you....knows what I am going to ask you. You will listen eventually. They all do."
Now unable to breath, she prepared to take a step forward and plunge endlessly into the deep abyss. The canyon of the mind.....