At Times Like These

My anxiety tends to come out of nowhere

I could be sitting at home watching TV and all of a sudden.

Boom...drop...empty...

Only way I can describe the suddeness of the emotion.

It always resorts back to one thing now.

Memories of a really traumatizing time in my life.

Where a man's hand covered my mouth and I was pulled into the unknown.

It is as if I am living a constant nightmare

Being threatened everywhere I go by my own head.

I don't really know what triggers the attacks.

But one pattern is for sure.

Staying too long on the subject of sexuality.

Tis a subject that I thoroughly enjoy,

considering I am not exactly normal and have endless quirks that go along with that subject.

But it can never be thoroughly enjoyed anymore without some sort of fear welling up inside me.

Sometimes anxiety hits.

Sometimes it doesn't.

But this subject seems to be the one that triggers it the most.

Another thing that can be added to the pattern I have discovered tonight.

That it happens even more often when the subject of sexuality is mixed in with the subject of dissapointment.

The connections are obvious.

But it is not something that I want to happen all the time.

It gets in the way of so many things.

Like when your lover suggests something in the bedroom that you turn down and the dissapointment on their half.

Or something along the lines of that

(not saying that has happened but it is a good example)

Or the

"I guess this isn't happening?" scenario.

I don't know why but I feel as if I have become a failure, a letdown, a good for nothing but sex, yet not even good for that, type of girl; whenever the subjects mix.

I suppose I felt like a mistake, a huge disappointment the night I was carried into an unknown realm,

maybe that is the connection between the two.

I don't want other people to feel as if they are walking on eggshells around me though.

I want to get past this.

Handicapping me, I feel will only prolong the symptoms.

It is something I need to learn how to deal with.

I am finding more connections though...

That is a step forward.

Isn't it?