Solitary Confinement

Today

for some reason my childhood popped into my head.

It is something that I usually think about, but today was a bit different.

The difference is in the details.

I am still putting forth my best effort to figure out all the things that happened when I was younger so that I may finally solve the equation of my own mind.

What happened to make me feel this way, what plus what equals this emotion?

Why is there this constant ready to burst feeling inside my brain, and why can't I find the words to express it?

It gave me such a headache today that I was tempted to close my eyes whilst driving and just lay my foot on the gas.

The intent is not for suicide, the intent is to get rid of my headache and that constant "burst" feeling.

Many things invaded my head today, mostly that of my past phobias and anxiety attacks.

What started my thought process was a discussion in class in which I actually screamed and had to leave the room for the rest of the presentation.

The presentation was about technology and privacy and how easy it is to track and watch a person.

These are simple facts, no piece of technology is given to us without a bit of our freedom being taken away,

but what made me react in such a way was the direct presentation of it.

This is a bit hard to explain.

When I was a little girl, I was a natural luddite.

I absolutely feared technology (mostly computers and cameras) out of the fear of "something" watching me.

Whenever something went bump in the night, I would travel around the house very quickly and unplug anything and everything, then run back to my bed and hide under the covers.

Why would a 5 year old fear something like technology?

My fear was so overwhelming in fact that if a computer did something out of the ordinary (like restart suddenly) I would actually run away from it screaming. Even now if I hear a strange noise coming from the computer I will turn it off and put it away.

I was absolutely convinced that I had eyes on me 24/7

(which became especially frightful when my dad would take me to work with him considering he was a photographer and worked with cameras and computers all day long.)

This paranoia really frightened my family because I have an uncle whom dissapeared and was believed to be a paranoid schizophrenic, and a violent one at that.

This phobia lasted a couple of years, and evolved into something else the day my dad lost his business, which was also the day that my mother had to start leaving for work before I got up and getting home after I went to sleep. This put me in a constant state of solitude because my dad's depression worsened, the alcoholic rampages and neglect became more frequent, I had a sister who could not speak at the time, and a mother who I hardly ever saw.

My social interaction with others quickly became zero and stayed at zero for weeks at a time, especially during the summer.

This turn of events lead me from fearing technology because of the "ghosts in the computers"

to fearing my father and his cameras and computers, believing that he was the ghost in the computer.

If my father wasn't neglecting me, I was hiding from him.

There would be times where he would forget about my sister and I (usually during a drunken slumber), and lock us in one part of the house without food or water for most of the day, if not the whole day.

But during the times when he was alright, I would choose to lock myself up in my room for most of the day, hiding because I always felt as if he was watching me using his cameras.

I was convinced that there were cameras in the walls, in the shower, in the lights, everywhere.

I never knew what he was going to do with the supposed recordings, but I constantly had this gut feeling that one of these days, I was going to be raped or killed.

Why?

Why, why, why?

I honestly have no clue. I know that I feared for my life everyday without a reasonable explanation.

There was neglect, yes, and the occasional flying object hitting me, yes, but it was never REALLY abuse, it was never intentional hurt, just the combination of stupidity, anger, depression and recklessness.

Yet, that inexpressible fear still existed, and it was so real to me that sometimes I would try to drown myself in the bathtub knowing (or atleast feeling like I knew) that my father would witness my suicide and hopefully feel guilty about it.

I remember horrible times like these. Where my father would pass out in the only bathroom in the house and I would be forced to "hold it" until I was either writhing on the floor in pain, or until I found a way out of the house and went with the dogs.

Incidents like these and many others continued for a couple of years, due to neglect and fearing my father constantly watching me. Because of this, I developed facial and vocal tics (twitches) from my constant state of anxiety, along with night terrors, panic attacks, and a very long and drawn out eating disorder.

Luckily most of these things are gone now, although I still have the occasional panic attack and my facial and vocal tics will act up when I feel uncomfortable.

I remember him saying something regarding the "mental illness" I was believed to have because of my fear of technology before shit really hit the fan.

It was "She's not sick, she's smart"

Which was something that made me fear him even more after he lost his job and had to be home 24/7

That phrase still rings in my head.

So today, seeing this process of watching a person through a computer made me shake and leave the classroom.

But it wasn't the government or hackers I was really fearing,

It was once again the overwhelming fear of my father keeping track of me wherever I go

(even though he could be long dead by now)

It was something I had almost forgotten about too. Something that I was really willing to leave behind.

But I guess the only thing I can do with this is try my best to think logically and try to keep my paranoia at bay.

Oh my daddy,

What a fucked up little girl you made.