Inconsiderate

I tend to be a horrible friend.

Just saying.

Inconsiderate

I was never one to keep my mouth shut, because hey, I am an open book.

People who want to keep something secret

I see as people who are ashamed of whatever they do not let out.

So as hard as I try to actively understand what that feels like...

It just seems to be a foreign idea to my mind.

I really wish I could sew my mouth shut right now.

I have never kept secrets because I just accept that I am mentally fucked and degraded.

That nothing inside of me will give way to a better day

a better life

Inconsiderate

and I am okay with that, because I have made that place my home

But then things slip...

I forget that others do not feel the same way and prefer to keep many aspects of their lives hidden.

If I were to do that then I probably would have been in the ground years ago.

The only reason I go spewing out information sometimes is simply because it hurts too much to keep it in.

I do not think my friends realize how important they are to me.

And that when something traumatic happens to them, I feel the same hurt.

The night my best friend went to the hospital

I was up all night....crying...banging my head against a wall

because I was so utterly worried and anxious

My anxiety convinced me that she had died on her way to the hospital. 

Then every night until she arrived home safely I cried myself to sleep.

I don't keep secrets

Inconsiderate

because if I were to, then they would all boil up inside of me

When something like that happens

I need to talk to someone about it.

And often times it cannot be just one person, because hearing different points of view about a situation gives you the most rational and unskewed results.

A particular person close to my best friend had called me an attention seeker because of this flaw in my personality.

Perhaps I am.

But not for the reasons you would think.

But because I cannot cope without talking to others.

It is what therapy taught me throughout the years.

And then the real world tells me the opposite.

That I am supposed to keep the things that upset me inside.

My best friend.

Called me inconsiderate.

She forgave me within the same sentence, but negatives make such a greater impact, opposed to a positive

but thats all that echoes now...

Inconsiderate

Inconsiderate

Inconsiderate

Inconsiderate

Inconsiderate

Fucking Inconsiderate

I do not think people realize how much an insult damages me, especially when from a friend.

Especially because it is true.

That is really the only time the voices come back, when words tear my bones apart from the inside out.

It paralyzes my mind

Inconsiderate

Sick, fucking demented voices...

I can never stop shaking when the echoeing starts

The ones like me should have their mouths sewn shut, because it is all that can be done to keep us quiet.

Perhaps if I were more normal it would be easier to be a best friend.

But I tend to chase people away.

Inconsiderate

I like to convince myself that I am a good person sometimes.

But then I realize how much I am fooling myself because I can never live up to normal social standards 

as hard as I try and as much as I want to

5150

5150

5150

I hope that next time

Since there always is a next time

They do keep me in there.

Or rather

Maybe I shall make my situation worse once I am in there

So that I may never leave

So that I can stop harming others the way I do

because it is inevitable

as much as I hate harming others emotionally

I would much rather harm someone physically than emotionally

If I am tied to a bed then no one will be able to get close enough so that I may harm them

ever again

5150

Inconsiderate

When looking up the word in the dictionary. 

And then I appear

I am so sorry best friend

but perhaps it is in your best interest to find a better best friend