I'm sitting here. Thinking. Thinking of what is to happen to me.
Even in my busiest days, when I have no thoughts left to occupy myself with, there you are; just a ghost in my life.
Awake. Wide awake.
Once again, I hate being touched. It hurts, unbearably. It's backstabbing affection.
A drink? Maybe two? No...I can't even touch the poison, I can't even find the strength to put it to my lips.
I remember. I remember. I remember.
I can't even imagine. No. I won't imagine, it is too heartbreaking.
You are wandering the streets, alone, with no home, a dying body, and no friendly face.
Can I do anything about it, no, because I don't know where you are.
The suffering I saw you endure, I cannot even imagine how much it has escalated in your poor health.
I watched you, cough up the rotting blood from your lungs.
I watched you, as you spat teeth out as they were rotting, infecting your face, making it swollen and horrible.
I watched you, pull out small specks of cancer and cry and scream as you carved them out of your arms.
I watched you, as you would pass out from the relentless dry heaves that would leave you with your rotting face over the toilet, screaming in agony.
Sometimes you would pass out in the shower, sometimes for so long when I was young, that I had no choice but to urinate on myself.
You compared me to the likeness of a cat, and told me that I had to use the litter box from now on.
You told me that the only sound I was allowed to make was a "meow"
You passed out again, but this time locked us in. Forcing us to drink from a toilet. Before the sun came up. And long after the sun went down.
You sat me on a couch, wouldn't let me leave, your horrible swollen face just a couple of inches left from mine, and a tight grip on both my arms, stench of rotting flesh and alcohol. I wasn't allowed to sell chocolate for my school drill team you said, it was belittling to you for some reason I could not see. I threw the chocolate away and got suspended from school for not being able to pay for it..
You threw my things away, you sold my things, you took all the money from my college funds.
You told me that I was good for nothing, after I had spent an hour putting up Halloween decorations to impress you, to gain your approval, to have a sense of accomplishment.
You then tore them down.
Why then am I still so overwhelmed with the fear of you dying any day now....I can feel it in my everything; my heart, my soul, my bones. Just about everything aches, just about everything wants to escape me, and just about everything is restless and delusional.
Approval. Approval. Approval.
Will anyone really know how bad it got?.....Can I ever really express my fear of losing that chance of approval forever?
I don't even know if you are alive.
I'm stuck between life and death, because I don't know.
I can't decide anything. I can't be sure of anything.
The biggest uncertainty in my life is looming over my head.
Will I only be able to continue when I know for sure?
When I have your death certificate in my hands?
When that chance of approval is over, when I no longer have to be in limbo?

I just don't know....