The Problem with Sexuality

Just for future reference

Anything written that is NOT in this style
(Meaning that the alignment isn't in the middle but rather from left to right like a regular book)
Will be part of a short story or the collection of short stories that I will be writing.

There are just too many imaginary places in my head for them to not be written down!

Anyhow
This morning an interesting subject came into my mind.

Sexuality or rather, sexual orientation has always been a troubled topic for me.
People who know me well know that if my sexuality could be split up into straight and erm....not so straight?
The it would be split up like this
around 70% not straight
20% straight and 10% asexual

Of course it is kind of ridiculous to split up a person's sexuality into percentages, but I will give an explanation for that.



People who know me, know that I am most identifiable as being "bisexual"
But I honestly don't feel like this is the right explanation; that it is more-so just the label I have been given.
Statisticians say that 1 out of every 5 girls will go through an uncomfortable sexual experience when they are young. This can range from rape and molestation to somebody pushing themselves upon you but very little to nothing actually happening. 

For me it is the latter. 

Before I even knew what sexual attraction was, I had a girl trying to force herself upon me, whom sometimes succeeded.

I can't even fathom the number of times this happened throughout the years.

I was around 5 when this started, and it ended around the time I was 15.
(she was a family friend so she was always around)

She was a very sweet girl and intended no harm, and we always stayed friends, even now we talk once in a while.
But unfortunately it left me very confused.

I sort of felt like my natural sexual preference was stolen from me.

I never felt guilty for the things that happened but I did feel guilty that it was a girl.
I guess you could sort of say that I was raised that this was wrong, and up to this day I feel that my family would be very close minded about it.

My attraction to guys came later.
But it was an odd sort of attraction.

You see, I was always a tom boy growing up, I wrestled with boys, beat them at tetherball, played video games with them, etc etc.
So seeing the opposite sex as attractive sort of came as a shocker to me. It honestly feels a bit more homosexual than straight to like a guy because I always saw them as equal to me.
I knew I always liked girls, even though still today, I feel like that attraction was sort of forced upon me.

It's the guys you play with and hang out with

and the girls you just....play with haha.

So I only started dating guys to start out with because I honestly felt very ashamed of my sexuality.

It was always a "it's supposed to work this way so I may as well get used to it" type of thing, even though I knew that I liked girls.
But heres where the really odd part comes in.
When I was young I developed a sort of distant resentment towards that girl who was forcing herself upon me
At some points I even felt that I hated her.

This is why:

Our conversations were few, we had nothing in common, she liked playing dress up, I liked making mud pies after a rainy day.

Arguably, people say that she was my first relationship, but there was no relationship in it besides what would happen behind closed doors at sleepovers.

She was always a bit of a brat, and got involved with lots of middle school drama, started talking about me behind my back and walah! theres where my "No trust in girls" notion comes from.
After that point I always felt alienated from girls. I liked to look at them, but from that experience I had no idea how to act around them. There were girls I had tried to build a relationship with, but they always miserably failed due to the fact that I could almost never keep up a good conversation with one and even if I could, I couldn't possibly trust them for very long. Just something in me wouldn't let that happen.
But with guys! They were my best friends! I could stay up all night talking to a guy friend and I never got bored or felt left out or ever had any major trust issues with a guy. So logically, the only types of relationships I could ever uphold were heterosexual ones.

Eventually, I found myself becoming attracted to guys, not for their looks but purely for their personality.

I didn't care if they looked "hot" I just wanted a person who would be around whom I could trust and have fun with.
As far as sexual attraction goes though.... I have found that the only guys I have EVER been sexually attracted to, were ones who could confidently wear a corset, wore makeup and had longer than average hair length.

Ding ding ding! Yes that is correct, androgyny!
Ever since I discovered that, I feel that my sexual orientation has become a bit more balanced.
Now there are actually "guy like" features that I find myself attracted to! Oh my.

When I started feeling sexually attracted to anyone, I think I was around the age of 11 and at that point I can say I was 90% attracted to girls
5% attracted to guys
and 5% asexual

(I don't know why but the asexuality stems from the fact where there will be months at a time where I CANNOT bring myself to be attracted to anyone, or even find someone pretty. This happens around every year where I lose all interest in anything sexual. Perhaps it is a hormonal imbalance of sorts.)
Nowadays, I find that there are guys whom I can describe as "hot"
They always have a few things in common though. 

Blue or green eyes
long(ish) hair

tall

facial hair (<-- odd I know)

and as far as attraction to girls goes:
lighter skin tone

HUGE eyes (its a must)
shorter than me, or just generally petite
(curves are beautiful too, but it's just not my preference)
and preferably really dark hair.

freckles are cute too

SO as you can see, my sexuality is a bit more split up then most peoples.
Rather than being one way or the other, it is more of a chance so to speak, considering there are VERY few people whom I am actually attracted to.
There are still times when I feel the urge of having a relationship with a girl, but from past experience I know that they always end badly and I sort of feel that I should accept that the only functional relationship I will have with a person, will be when that person is a guy.

So there it is
70% girls
20% guys
and 10% no one at all

For those of you who don't know me, I am currently in a very well balanced and accepting relationship with a guy 

(who looks damn good in a corset, mind you!)
But then again I wouldn't really say a guy.
More so a lesbian trapped in a guys body, so it works out perfectly!
This would be him getting his head nommed on Emilie Autumn.
She called him beautiful!

Any guy who Emilie can call beautiful is good enough for me!


For those of you who feel like commenting
Ever been confused? How have you coped? Ever looked down upon for being "different"? I know I have.
Who are your top crushes?
I just like input is all
<3