One thing I do not particularly understand is one of the underlying factors that you immediately sign yourself over to when you become emotionally attached to someone.
Misinterpretation happens often.
Misinterpretation happens often.
Suddenly, a person you're close to holds your opinion of yourself in their grasp.
It becomes this hierarchical system where their opinion comes first and your actual honest opinion of yourself comes last.
Because of this hierarchical system, emotions trickle down from your family, then from a significant other, then from a long list of friends, under which your original opinion of yourself is suddenly changed, and often times for the worst.
I say the worst because insults tend to travel a lot farther than compliments when it comes from the people whom you care about.
And then the opinions that you hold of yourself are subjected to this, often times in a manner that is exaggerated.
We can shrug off insults from strangers, and politely say thank you when it is a compliment.
But that isn't so easy when you truly believe that these people know you inside and out, and that they just brought into the light something that you haven't seen before.
Yet another flaw to add to the list.
I can confidently say that I have steel woven skin when insults come from strangers,
It becomes this hierarchical system where their opinion comes first and your actual honest opinion of yourself comes last.
Because of this hierarchical system, emotions trickle down from your family, then from a significant other, then from a long list of friends, under which your original opinion of yourself is suddenly changed, and often times for the worst.
I say the worst because insults tend to travel a lot farther than compliments when it comes from the people whom you care about.
And then the opinions that you hold of yourself are subjected to this, often times in a manner that is exaggerated.
We can shrug off insults from strangers, and politely say thank you when it is a compliment.
But that isn't so easy when you truly believe that these people know you inside and out, and that they just brought into the light something that you haven't seen before.
Yet another flaw to add to the list.
I can confidently say that I have steel woven skin when insults come from strangers,
but the slightest little poke from someone whom I care about breaks my heart all over again and sends me into hysterics and exaggerated paranoia.
For instance, when I was 11, I was trying to help my father put up Halloween decorations on the front porch, and I was trying my best, out of hopes that I would get a compliment of sorts.
For instance, when I was 11, I was trying to help my father put up Halloween decorations on the front porch, and I was trying my best, out of hopes that I would get a compliment of sorts.
(considering they were extremely rare)
I forget what I did wrong, but he had said to me
"That doesn't help, you just messed it up"
Which in my mind became distorted and translated to:
"You're useless, you mess everything up, why are you even trying"
It is always the same feeling. Suddenly my bones ached and there was a heavy pain in my chest and a weight was added to my shoulders that I couldn't carry.
I proceeded to cry the rest of the day in my bed which put my into a crying coma
Which in my mind became distorted and translated to:
"You're useless, you mess everything up, why are you even trying"
It is always the same feeling. Suddenly my bones ached and there was a heavy pain in my chest and a weight was added to my shoulders that I couldn't carry.
I proceeded to cry the rest of the day in my bed which put my into a crying coma
(a very common thing for me when I was young)
and slept 15 hours straight.
The same sort of emotional burden somehow got carried over to all the relationships I have with other people.
and slept 15 hours straight.
The same sort of emotional burden somehow got carried over to all the relationships I have with other people.
All my friends, all my family, everyone I care about, can easily send my spiraling into a depression faster than Emilie Autumn can ask "are you suffering?"
So the question has always been, what do I do?
So the question has always been, what do I do?
The only remedy I have ever found included cutting off emotional ties with people.
Which I did for quite a time.
But now I am subjected to this.
And the one thing I do NOT ever want is for people to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me.
I am their friend, not a child and they shouldn't have to worry about me overhearing their opinions.
*sigh*
It's scary when you know people hold that much control over you.
Especially those top three.
Which I did for quite a time.
But now I am subjected to this.
And the one thing I do NOT ever want is for people to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me.
I am their friend, not a child and they shouldn't have to worry about me overhearing their opinions.
*sigh*
It's scary when you know people hold that much control over you.
Especially those top three.
Family, best friends, significant others.
True. I have diamond hard skin when it comes to the verbal brutality of strangers, but from family? I find it hard to function. Harder to breathe. Harder to think. Harder to remember all the good times and positive things about myself. I'm suddenly clumsy, ugly, fat, horrible, masochistic, and lonely. So so so so lonely. There is no pill or drug for that drowning feeling; but if you feel that way, text me a "meow" and I'll throw you a life vest. <3!
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