I'm Trying to Keep it Together

But sometimes that is a lot easier said than done.
A bit of a mental breakdown today

(actually still in the middle of it, best time to write, right?)
But I am finding it hard to even describe what I am feeling.

I sat on the shower floor with the water running ice cold for over an hour.

I felt as if I couldn't move.

There were no emotions there. It was almost as if I had been turned off and had no control over myself.

That is the worst feeling of all. I felt absolutely dead and couldn't manage to snap myself out of it.
During the day I felt overly sensitive about some of the things people close to me were saying.

They weren't even meant to be offensive remarks but they affected me in such a way that my heart just sank.

Also committed a couple of acts that I haven't done in a while.

Why am I like this? I thought I was happy.

I REALLY thought for once I was happy. So where the hell is this coming from?!
I find it really hard to keep in my urges long enough so that they suffocate.
Random urges. Out of nowhere.

No one will do anything wrong, yet there is this uncomfortable urge to hit them or pull their hair.

It isn't even an urge with a negative feeling behind it!

It just becomes something that made sense at the time. I can be completely smiling, yet something will break into that and throw in a completely mismatching action to the emotion.
I desperately don't want to hurt the people around me whom I care about.

But there is just that urge to say something horrible to them.

I don't even feel like I'm the one who's doing it.
Sisyphus.
I just want to give up.
I just want to sleep because I am stressed out beyond belief right now for absolutely no reason.
Why can't I be normal for once?

I have had people tell me that I am no different from everyone else; that everyone else feels the way I do too.

I'm sorry but that is fucking bullshit.

I hardly think that most of the population sits in an ice cold shower for an hour not thinking anything.

And then when a thought does come, its consists of

"I wasn't meant for this body. It isn't mine. I stole it somehow. My selfish soul managed to steal whatever humanity this person had left in this capsule and kick them out. Now they are out wandering without a home. I don't deserve this. This isn't mine. How do I get rid of me?

How do I give this body back?"
I have this gut wrenching feeling that I am this horrible monster.

Perhaps thats why I always get so bored with how I look and want to change it all the time, and drastically.

I am afraid of what I would do with the funds if I had them, because I know I wouldn't look like me for very long.
Perhaps thats why. Maybe I get so bored with how I look because I'm trying to hide something. 

I'm trying to hide me.

Why am I trying to hide me?

Part of me hates me for stealing this body, and another part of me just keeps asking why why why why.

Fucking Why?
To think, I actually managed to fool myself for a while there into thinking that I actually had a chance at being happy.

But no.

This always comes back without fail.
I just want to give up.

But part of me is battling that too, which just adds to the stress I feel. 

One part of me gets tired and wants to rest, while the other one is handcuffed to the tired one and is on a treadmill.

This monster. What am I? What the fuck am I?