Scared

Personally

I see relationships as messy, unnecessary, futile efforts to not feel alone in this world

In all honesty I think that everyone would be better off without that absolute need to want someone

We would learn so much more, be able to do so much more without someone else consuming our time

We would grow as completely independent people 

Instead of developing un-healthy co dependancy issues like I did.

I grew out of the relationship that destroyed me and am finally moving on.

I found myself happy by myself

I didnt mind the alone time, in fact I much preferred it

Because I was me, completely myself

My own person

I didnt belong to anyone

And I no longer saw a need to.

But you see, now I am scared.

Because in dating someone whom I deeply care about

It is really hard NOT to re-develop that co-dependency

Relationships are a little bit of a drug to me.

The longest I have ever been single since the the 6th grade was just recently,

and my singleness lasted 6 months

In all honesty I was planning for it to last a few years.

But life is life, plans get interrupted, things just plain fuck up!

Don't get me wrong, this change in plans is not a bad thing by any means

But how does one balance life when you have someone you care about so much and never get bored of

and can just talk to hours to about nothing

and no matter what you say,

You know for a fact, that they are never judging you

and supporting you in every decision you make in life

and just want you to be happy no matter what the consequences are.

How do you balance life....with that person?

How do you find time to develop yourself when all you want to do is lay in bed with them all day

just laughing and cuddling, and attempting to keep warm on a winters morning

(even though your hair is still wet from the shower you took together so your practically convulsing)

How does one keep their independent dreams in check?

Often times I think....

"relationships....they are not for me, because I can't prioritize and I have a very bad habit of putting my dreams aside for being around the person I care about"

This time I am trying my absolute best not to fall into that pattern again.

How did I fall so deep down the rabbit hole already?

None of it makes sense

For the longest time I kept this person at a distance,

convincing myself that it was only good for a friendship and nothing further

convincing myself that I was only good for friendships...

The second I let this person in

The walls I tried so hard to build come crumbling down as if they were made out of

Cookies...

COOKIES I TELL YOU!

And he's like....

metaphorical milk

>.O

yeah don't ask.

Anyhow.

I have the feeling that the most horrendous word in the human language may come into play soon

the "L" word

*gasp*

(no, like really, I am gasping for air on this subject)

mainly because once it is said

it cannot be unsaid

and once it is out there in the open

that is when all HELL breaks loose,

Fights start, jealousy, co-dependency

Is such a word really worth all that trouble? I seriously think not.

but then all the chills start rushing up inside me like tidal waves of....whatever the hell it is

and I start to find myself swooning....SWOONING FOR GAWDS SAKE

Dementia_kitty does NOT swoon. 

For anyone, ever.

I don't like this very much, it makes me all naseous with anxiety.

Especially since I swore to myself that I would have a relationship with a girl before I got this deeply involved with another guy.

AND

My zombie friend is coming.

Soon.

And I promised him a date quite a while ago and I have to keep my word

ugh.

I really wish this wasnt so complex.

But when I am with someone I care about so much

The music in my head stops....and there is no static conglomeration of voices for once.

Just calm quietness, I can think, I can feel the world around me, I feel...

Normal

and alive

How am I supposed to ignore that?

I dont think I am going to be able to figure that out.

I think it is going to end up getting worse