Life is Fantastic....but

There is one HUGE aspect in my personality that bugs me to no end

My paranoia of all things

I get so paranoid about little things that I often times take too many pre-cautious measures in order to prevent them

Then because of that, just end up making things worse.

It is an inevitable pattern in my personality as I have witnessed.

My mind lingers on details too often,

and although this helps me in many situations where I have to think critically

It is not a thought process that should be in your head every second out of every day.

For example.

The now boyfriend figure and I, have been officially together for a little over two weeks

(although we have been "dating" since October)

And things are going wonderfully, as they should considering we are practically the same person.

But then the fears kicks in.

It kicks in every door in my mind and drops like a bowling bowl in my stomach.

Anxiety.

My bones hurt for no reason and I feel the need to curl up in a ball and cry

I am all of a sudden afraid that I will lose him

No evidence backing this presumption up, just afraid that I will inevitably...

Fuck things up.

That my mind is too complex, that I am too much trouble, and that anyone and everyone will eventually give up on me because they cannot take the psychotic tendencies.

Now.

A little note here.

This anxiety attack hit while I was working, and of course I cannot just curl up into a ball and cry, I need something to stabilize my emotions and I need it quickly.

In the past it has been a number of things that snapped me out of it and fast.

Drugs, bulimia, binge eating 20 dollars of vending machine food in 15 minutes, holding my breath and choking myself so that I slightly black out, throwing over desks, biting a person til they bled, picking physical fights to get into, banging my head against a wall, plucking out my eyelashes, biting an entire nail completely off, sewing my fingers together, the list just goes on and on, some of the things a little too personal even for a blog site.

The one thing that always had the quickest results with the best effects though has always been self mutilation.

And so, needing to head back to work in 5 minutes, I take a razor blade to my stomach, 

clean up the mess in the bathroom, 

and head back to work.

The anxiety putters out

I am no longer in physical pain

and I can go back on the work floor smiling asking "How may I help you today?"

Do you see what is wrong with this picture?

It is pure irony.

My mind drives itself to anxiety out of the fear that I am going to do something to mess up or complicate a perfect situation.

And then I get rid of the anxiety by doing something that does indeed have the possibility of messing up or complicating the perfect situation.

I sometimes feel like it is some sort of curse,

because I try to find healthy alternatives.

Have been trying since elementary school.

But nothing has worked

And I get myself back into this same old cycle

this old routine

that always messes things up eventually.

I really want things to be different this time.

And my boyfriend, is starting to give me the hope that it actually can be.

He wasn't mad.

Nor did he think I was an idiot, or impulsive or ignorant.

All he had in him was concern, and held me close and told me

That if this is really a part of me that I cannot change,

then he is ready and willing to accept that.

Who is ready and willing to accept a psycho?

I am slightly stuck between being relieved and being more concerned because I do not want to cause him any pain.

I want to stop this, because life is fantastic right now.

Everything I ever wanted and needed I have because I was willing to go after it.

I need to stop my brain from continously trying to compromise that.