A very dark title, I do realize.
But the subject of death and the afterlife is something that very often occupies my mind and gives me no ease from stress and negativity.
When I was younger I was raised in a very Atheistic household.
Both of my parents were resentful Catholics whom did not bother with matters of religion and it's teachings, especially when it came to passing on any hint of religious moral and the questions about the afterlife to their children.
I was always a very anxious child.
I was always a very anxious child.
I would cry for no reason and oftentimes feel like the walls were closing in on me and that I couldn't breathe.
I don't really know where my anxiety stemmed from but because of it, I found it hard to sleep at night.
I would often sleep with my hand over my heart, just to make sure it wouldn't stop beating.
I don't really know where my anxiety stemmed from but because of it, I found it hard to sleep at night.
I would often sleep with my hand over my heart, just to make sure it wouldn't stop beating.
This pattern started around the second or third grade, which resulted in a great amount of sleep deprivation and increased my anxiety further.
Why did I think about death so much?
Why did it scare me so?
Where was this all stemming from?
Why did I think about death so much?
Why did it scare me so?
Where was this all stemming from?
I honestly think this is why young children should be raised with at least some form of belief so they may put their minds at ease with life's big questions.
I would go to my friends in elementary and ask them if they felt the same way.
(yes I was that little morbid girl going around asking people what they thought about death hah)
Alot of them shrugged and went off to play handball,
I would go to my friends in elementary and ask them if they felt the same way.
(yes I was that little morbid girl going around asking people what they thought about death hah)
Alot of them shrugged and went off to play handball,
and then a few of them would say things like "Heaven" or "God"
What was this?
Something with such a simple answer?
Even back then I thought it was a form of brainwashing.
Up until about the 8th grade, I continued to have anxiety attacks about death and would sleep with my hand over my heart.
Up until about the 8th grade, I continued to have anxiety attacks about death and would sleep with my hand over my heart.
What would it feel like?
How would it be to never say "I love you to another person again?"
How would it be to never say "I love you to another person again?"
How would it feel to be completely forgotten?
To really have no way of escape?
To me it just felt like an eternity of suffocation.
To really have no way of escape?
To me it just felt like an eternity of suffocation.
Absent of self-expression, love, light, feeling.
But these anxiety attacks stopped in the 8th grade because I met a person who became a very heavy influence on me and my mental stability.
This person was extremely religious and quelled all my worries when it came to all the questions I held.
Every one was answered with some sort of passage, some sort of relief. Finally I was able to sleep.
Unfortunately for me though. I am simply too logical.
All the "answers" provided only a temporary fix, my "soma" if you will, my drug.
And now I find myself at a cliff again staring death in the face.
I have moved past any sort of answer in religion. It just isn't something I can believe. It feels to false for me.
But now because of that, I am faced with these questions once again.
What will it be like to never wake up again?
But these anxiety attacks stopped in the 8th grade because I met a person who became a very heavy influence on me and my mental stability.
This person was extremely religious and quelled all my worries when it came to all the questions I held.
Every one was answered with some sort of passage, some sort of relief. Finally I was able to sleep.
Unfortunately for me though. I am simply too logical.
All the "answers" provided only a temporary fix, my "soma" if you will, my drug.
And now I find myself at a cliff again staring death in the face.
I have moved past any sort of answer in religion. It just isn't something I can believe. It feels to false for me.
But now because of that, I am faced with these questions once again.
What will it be like to never wake up again?
To never be able to kiss the lips I love again?
To never hear music again, to never play the piano again?
To never be able to look into the eyes of the person I love again....to never hear "I love you" again.
Just emptiness.
Why is it that we are raised on the notion that everyone of us can control our destiny
To never hear music again, to never play the piano again?
To never be able to look into the eyes of the person I love again....to never hear "I love you" again.
Just emptiness.
Why is it that we are raised on the notion that everyone of us can control our destiny
when really, our only destiny is to be eliminated from existence?
Why are we given this false hope?
As long as I have been asking these types of questions, I have come across no one else who thinks of these things.
Am I really the only one who is so heavily burdened by this? Am I really the only one who thinks of these things on a daily basis?
How is it that people can go through daily life without having anxiety attacks and falling over in the middle of the street from these thoughts?
Am I really the only person who nearly topples over when these thoughts start infecting?
For some reason it seems that way.
I believe this is best described as
"Thanatophobia"
http://phobias.about.com/od/phobiaslist/a/thanatophobia.htm
I honestly cannot understand how so many people go about daily life without being inhibited by this...
I am supremely envious of them.
I want to enjoy life to it's fullest. But it is hard to when I am constantly worried about my car erupting in flames or some sort of ailment taking my life. I cannot remember a single day in my life where a scenario about my own death hasn't popped into my head.
Why are we given this false hope?
As long as I have been asking these types of questions, I have come across no one else who thinks of these things.
Am I really the only one who is so heavily burdened by this? Am I really the only one who thinks of these things on a daily basis?
How is it that people can go through daily life without having anxiety attacks and falling over in the middle of the street from these thoughts?
Am I really the only person who nearly topples over when these thoughts start infecting?
For some reason it seems that way.
I believe this is best described as
"Thanatophobia"
http://phobias.about.com/od/phobiaslist/a/thanatophobia.htm
I honestly cannot understand how so many people go about daily life without being inhibited by this...
I am supremely envious of them.
I want to enjoy life to it's fullest. But it is hard to when I am constantly worried about my car erupting in flames or some sort of ailment taking my life. I cannot remember a single day in my life where a scenario about my own death hasn't popped into my head.
Can I hide it? Yes, very well in fact.
But I wish there was nothing there, so that there was nothing I had to work at hiding.
But I wish there was nothing there, so that there was nothing I had to work at hiding.
I don't know how you cope with it, but I can tell you how I do. I lost my grandfather when I was 4, then my grandmother and my father three months apart from one another when I was 9. It really messed with my head. I still remember my grandfather's passing- the smell of flowers cooking in the summer heat, the look on my mother's face as she threw a rose into the ground, and my question- why? I was always thinking of death, it would scare me at night. Every sound in the house was a train wreck of horrible incidents about to kill my family. It grew worse with the death of my grandma, and even more with my father. My mother would pick my brother and I up from school and go back to work with him and I silently playing in the back of our big grey van. She was so worried that something horrible would happen to us if she left him and I alone at home. I thought this was normal, until I switched from middle school to a new high school. I had never been to a friend's slumber party (still haven't), nor just went to the mall and walked around with friends or to the movies, nothing. My life was so consumed with thinking of death, that I realized I had ceased to live. I was already dead. That was the realization I came to and began to cope with that fear of self-annihilation. Oddly enough, Anne Rice helped me think of death objectively, and I learned that fear of self-annihilation is common for Scorpios like me. I began to fantasize about death in an objective sort of mind set. If I went to school, I would note the lighting fixtures and think "If there was an earthquake, that light will fall on my head and I'll die." If we passed a railroad track, I would think "If those signals were broken, we would be T-boned by a train." And on and on and on. It began to be a weird... game for me- a creature daydreaming of meeting its own demise. It still grips me sometimes, today even. I'm not going anywhere, I'm staying in my bedroom and studying for mid-terms while drinking tea. This is my excuse for being reclusive today. But there are times when I go out with friends. As long as I have my protective striped stockings on, I can conquer my own fears of death. E.A. style. <3!
ReplyDeleteYou're most definitely not the only one who thinks of these things. I think of my death just about everyday. I call them my "Final Destination" scenario moments. Lightens the mood...haha
ReplyDeleteI knew there had to be some deeper level as to why we got along so well, especially considering you claim to hate your own gender. haha
You're not alone<3 I love you :)
Thanks both of you :)
ReplyDeleteI know that the few people I do get along well with tend to have these underylying matters in common with me. The only way I have been able to cope with this is by keeping myself busy and trying to look at everything from a satirical point of view. The fear still breaks me down every once in a while, but it is nice to know that I am not alone in these things.
Also! They say that people who constantly think of or fear their own death actually have a higher IQ because they cannot be bound by illogical explanations like religion. Basically we are just too logical for our own damn good. But higher in intellect! Yay! I guess there is one upside.
"Always look on the bright side of life." <3!
ReplyDeleteHAHA
ReplyDeleteWe're secret morbid geniuses ^-^
ReplyDelete