Sexuality, again? (part II) (also a delay in the ex topic posts)

She kissed me that night.

She walked with me up to the steps of my house, hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, then looked into my eyes and kissed my lips.

My lipstick was blended with hers, a beautiful reddish-purple; slightly smeared and warm.

She grabbed my hand, giggled, and said sorry.

I asked her for what.

She said for stealing a kiss from me.

I smiled, kissed her on the cheek and told her I would have eventually if she hadn't. 

I wanted to invite her in, and I could tell that she felt torn and wanted to be invited in, but with the family home, and her friend waiting in the car, it simply wasn't an option. 

I wonder what would have happened that night if the situation was slightly different. 

Would she have pushed her body against mine, eager for warmth? Eager for satisfaction?
Or would have things simply fallen flat? An excited burst of carbonation suddenly gone listless.
I felt slightly relieved that she needed to go home, not because I didn't want her there, but because I was afraid of that awkward plateau of "there's something not right here"

Why am I so afraid?

How can others seem to embrace themselves so fully, but I feel like I could never make the first move if my life depended on it.

It's not as if the passion for it isn't there.

This girl, that girl, I constantly am enraptured by their beauty. 

Mostly, I think it is the fear of inadequacy.

With men, I can confidently say "I am not that pretty, but I know I am more attractive than you"

because it's a male, and in general, I don't find males along with their awkward anatomy attractive.

With a girl though, the constant thought is....

"How can she find me attractive? She is SO much prettier than I? What if she finds something about my body she thinks is unnattractive? Would she leave me dry, knowing that physically, she wins this contest?"

...so on and so forth. 

I can be confident with males. I am a woman, if they like the face, there isn't too much they are going to be picky about once I take my clothes off.

Women are so much different it seems.

It isn't as if I have been rejected for physical reasons, but perhaps it is because I know if I were to be, that would be the biggest blow to any sort of self-esteem I have, simply because there is a very wide variety of women that I find attractive.

I think most girls are insanely beautiful, and of course I have my preferences, but there is such a high respect for the elegance most girls have that I feel I lack somehow, that rejection once I took my clothes off, would tear me to ribbons.
These things that occupy my mind are odd, irrational even,

but somehow they don't seem to leave me alone.

Perhaps I will find my happy medium someday.

Or find an answer as to how I can be so insanely attracted to girls, yet have no courage.

And then be hardly attracted to guys, put myself through mental hardships for trying so hard, and then still be attracted to the idea of finding "prince charming" even though the sexual attraction hardly exists.

It is just the ease that men put me at mentally that makes me fall....

But I have to force myself to fall; convince myself "this is the way it's supposed to be"

and then trick myself into believing that a good friendships is actually something more.

I'm too busy to date though, or think too hard on these things.

What's meant to be is meant to be, right?
Or is it me who has to make that first move?

 That first move that I have always been too frightened to make.